So, today has gotten off to a pretty good start. Yet, I will admit that I am having a hard time getting going and productive. I knew I was just in need of some serious quiet time with my Jesus today, but I could tell something was off and that I was in need of a special revelation. My mind is racing because I did the first part of my insecurity study last night with my mentor and the rest of the blog community. Reading all the posts stuck out to me. The main reason? They were all so depressing. So many hurting women and I was surprised that by reading all the posts my heart was burdened for the heartache that screams from some of the posts.
Personally, this study brings me pleasure. God long ago dealt with me about insecurity inhibiting my life. I am still able to move forward and live. I am still able to be happy and joyful. But what hit me, I still have a long way to go. Now that the first couple of chapters of So Long Insecurity have started to sink in, God is helping me to see a destructive pattern that is contributing to my insecurity. He showed me that every time I have spiritual high's or times of enjoying His direct presence (like the last couple of days) - I self-destruct. It is like I deliberately do something to rob myself from His blessings. Until today, I didn't realize that was insecurity.
Here is a few things that stood out to me in So Long Insecurity, Chapter 2:
- Insecurity keeps us from operating at our maximum potential
- Insecurity represents the unhealthy parts in us
- Insecurity leads to unrealistic expectations about love and relationships
- Insecurity creates a situation where being hurt and disappointed is almost inevitable
- You are being insecure when it bothers you to the extreme when people are upset at you (even if they are the ones who are wrong)
- Insecurity is often self-sabotage
I really believe God will allow me to overcome being insecure. What God has shown me today is that though I didn't realize it - I am insecure in my relationship with Him. I know He loves me. I know He forgives me. I know He cares for me and desires the best for me. But, through my own self-sabotage - I am inadvertently keeping myself from maximum potential. I blatantly fall and wake up like I did today: bruised and battered and a in a little fog.
God is showing me the unhealthy parts of my soul don't just interfere with my human relationships. They interfere with He and I - they keep me from the full relationship we could have. And, because I have some apparent unrealistic expectations about our relationship, I am setting myself up for failure. I am trying to be too perfect for God and the pressure makes me want to deliberately fail. Then I expect God to be disappointed and convince myself that I am unworthy of His relationship. Then BOOM. I have doubts, fears, and insecurities about our relationship. It is so strange to realize this. Even though my heart wants to be my best for God, I am sabotaging my efforts - WOAH.
And, on the days when the part of my insecurity sets in that is worried about when people are upset with me - I perceive God is upset with me - Then, I get insecure about that LOL. Hmm. What a revelation today. I need to take a minute to let it soak in.
Right now, my prayer is Psalm 143. It says in part:
Answer me quickly, Lord; my spirit fails. Don't hide your face from me or I will be like those going down in the Pit. Let me experience your faithful love in the morning, for I trust You. Reveal to me the way I should go, because I long for You. Rescue me from my enemies, Lord; I come to You for protection. Teach me to do You will for You are my God. May Your gracious Spirit lead me on level ground.
I look to God for help and I know He will readily give it to me. I'm thankful for this insight and I am ready to truly be healed. I'm ready for His Living Water to consume me.
Song of the day: These are the Words I Would Say by Sidewalk Prophets
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