If I don't find the time to be disciplined enough to get caught up with this blog...I will soon have more unposted days than posted. Life has not been conducive for me to have a place to post, but thankfully I've been keeping up with my progress old school. BUT, tonight I have to put out something. Bugs are swarming me right now - so I won't be able to last long or get caught up significantly with my blog - but even a small effort regarding this project makes me feel better :O)
I kind of feel like right now I am living my life sideways. I know that is a crazy thing to write, but it is the only way I know how to describe how I am feeling. I am not going backwards, but I am not exactly moving forwards. I am not sitting still doing nothing, but I can't say that I feel like I am accomplishing anything. There is no doubt God has me waiting, but waiting for what? I have workaholic tendencies. Beyond that, I have a deep seeded need to feel like I am contributing positively to the world in which I live. As much as I love all the free time I have had these last few weeks to play golf, study and watch movies....I can't say it feels right just waiting around sort of doing nothing. Yet, I kind of feel like I am doing exactly what I am suppose to be doing - it is the strangest sensation.
The reality is, I am working on writing up a ministry concept that God has given me. It excites me to be involved in this and it is the only thing getting me through each day. If I am going to be completely honest... working on it kind of overwhelms me - I have to take a lot of breaks from it. It's almost like working on my thesis, I know God has me writing for a reason...but the reason is not terribly clear. I am just working to remain faithful and focused on God through it. He is giving me motivation to keep moving forward, but not being exactly forthright with how.
The hardest part for me right now is that I am virtually alone. Since graduation face time with people has been limited. I have found myself carrying on about life with complete strangers. I don't want to become that person in the Starbucks line over-sharing with a barista LOL - I need to find me some friends fast!!!
I am equally introverted and extroverted...but the party in me is struggling with all this alone time. I am acutely aware that not only am I waiting, not only am I pretty much alone and for the most part jobless - I am also without anyone to pour my life into. I've asked God to make me sold out and completely dependent on Him, I didn't realize that part of the affect of that would be me living life for a time in my own little bubble completely alone for all intents and purposes. It's just me, my Bible and my iPhone. The only contact I have with people is the contact I make and for a people person whose main love language is quality time - you can see that I am about at my wits end. I don't even have internet to fake people time with social networking LOL. God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
The good news is, my mind is with me. I will admit to being confused by my situation, but I am still full of passion for living. Though I wish I had the money I needed and people to live life with - I can say from the bottom of my gut that I am peaceful and content. It's like God is showing me what I want and what I had and showing me what life is like without it all. I've been thinking a lot about what it means to really live life completely for God....what it means to be called to the ministry. I almost feel like God is giving me the opportunity to feel invisible so that I know His attention is the only attention that matters. It brings Colossians 3:2-3 alive for me as well:
Set your minds on what is above, not on what is on the earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with the Messiah in God. When the Messiah, who is your life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory.
I can't wait for heaven. I JUST CAN'T WAIT. Till then, I'm just working to wrap my mind around God's will for my life. To really die to myself, I do suppose it is appropriate to not live life in the framework I have created thus far. It's about saying, "I trust you God," despite the confusing feelings swirling around inside me. It is about working to forget how I feel and focus on what God is telling me to do. It's about not letting the past discourage me or the future scare me. And, for now, it means discerning what it means to live a life of ministry.
Of course for me, that always leads me to thinking about my future BFF BM. What is her role in all this anyway? Best I can figure for now she is motivation for me to be my best. AS I was mowing my parents lawn for them today, my mentor moment came as I was praying for her and the people who most recently went through one of her LPL events. Thinking on her life and who she used to be and who she is now makes me aware of the power God has to work in our lives. Despite her giftedness, it has to be hard to do what she does sometimes. But seeing her willingness to push forth despite all the reasons I am sure she has to quit, enables me to believe in who God desires me to be. Her genuine love for people is evident. I relate to her ability to love and serve people she has never met. I am driven by God to do the same with my life - it is how I know we are meant to be BFF :O) LOL.
Anyway.... I suppose this is it today. My mind is just full of thoughts that I am working to sort through...But let me close with a bit more from Colossians 3:12-17 because it is fresh on my heart:
Therefore, God's chosen ones, holy and loved, put on heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, accepting one another and forgiving one another if anyone has a complaint against another. Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so also you must forgive. Above all, put on love - the perfect bond of unity. And let the peace of the Messiah, to which you were also called in one body, control your hearts. Be thankful. Let the message about the Messiah dwell richly among you, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, and singing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, with gratitude in your hearts to God. And, whatever you do, in word or in deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.
Amen. I am glad we are chosen aren't you? I pray if you come across my blog today that you know that I have said a prayer for you. I wish you the best and hope that God is making Himself real to you as He is making Himself to me. Later peeps.
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