The benefit of not having a job that takes up more than 1o -15 hours of my life a week is that I am pretty free. The best benefit right now is that God is allowing me to catch up on some sleep. My mind is better for it today. After last night - I needed to just let God heal me in my dream world - so no alarms - and I slept till noon. Lovely.
The heat is kicking in in New England. My apartment today got up to a non-refreshing 90 degrees!! I've been cooking and cleaning and well if you saw me now you may think that I had just finished a Jillian Michaels workout or something LOL. I have just been working to keep busy, which helps me get my mind to calm down. I know God is with me - I just need to find a way to be aware of what God is doing as I search for ways to be quiet and listen to Him.
To thank me for a great dinner, my dad did bring me over an extra AC he had! So, the day has continued to get better. This evening in my quiet time I started reading this book called Rescuing Ambition by Dave Harvey. I picked it up a few weeks ago, but I really like it and would recommend it thus far.
What I am realizing through life right now is that when I don't feel God is super present in my life - I kind of crash emotionally. Really the crash comes after God uses me as a vessel to do His bidding - especially like after I speak or something like that. I am so filled with His presence during those moments, the next day pales in comparison. For the most part, I always feel God, but I can't say I don't long for the spiritual high associated with when He is coursing through my veins. When it tapers off, it makes me feel like I have done something wrong. Anyway, right now I am just super obsessed with selling out my heart to God, its hard because I kind of feel like I am failing at it.
Really, I know this uncertainty revolves around an upcoming meeting I am kind of stressed about. I am really excited about it, but I kind of don't want to come across as a lunatic either. Worse case scenario, I make a fool of myself and I come back home. I know I just feel overwhelmed because this idea/vision God has given me is beyond me. Yet, I believe God wants me to advocate for it. All I can really do is trust it and hope that He makes the path clear and speaks too to me in the moments that matter.
I guess what it boils down to is that I am so in love with God right now that I wonder if I am verging on insanity. Like, I am totally obsessed. I get the jitters when He isn't with me moment by moment LOL. I can be shy and don't really feel eloquent, so when He gives me these big ideas I am all like, "Are you tuned into the right person with this message?" :O) Oh well, it will come together in His timing, which leads me to my mentor moment from A Heart Like His:
God commands us to make Him our absolute priority (26).
Yes, this speaks to my need today. The power of God to know I need to know I am not crazy :O) I do need to make Him my absolute priority, but I need to make sure I am not making it up as I go along too. I like how later BM mentions this fresh word of caution:
Have you ever wanted a certain answer from God so desperately that you consciously or subconsciously tried to "rig" the results? Reading things into the answer that just weren't there? Grabbing the first thing out of someone's mouth as your answer? I think we all have. It's easy to do, but it invariably leads to pain because we end up claiming a promise or a position God never gave us (27).
I can see how this is very relevant to my life right now. I am starting a new project. Praying for a new job. Desperately wanting to be smack dab in the middle of God's will. But, I need to be cautious. I need to be aware that I am not distracted by my desires or the "Angel of Light" who would seek to distract me. All this being said lead me to where I am at for today. I am on alert to hear God, but making sure that I am not making up words He is saying to me that He isn't. That ought to be easy right? LOL.
Peace out peeps.
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