From Day 140....
I was looking out at the gorgeous day - waiting on mozzarella sticks to cook (cause I don't care about healthy today or this week for that matter :O) -and my mind was in a million places as usual. I was considering whether or not I am up for playing golf after ANOTHER morning at the Dentist - thinking on my mentor - life now after graduation... let's just say all the people in my mind where good and occupied with all these scenarios - AND THEN God gave me a new insight to my blog project. I can't help but realize that these insights seem to come at random moments and after Jesus Moments, which I happened to have had last night.
Anyway, I guess what it boils down to is that today I am feeling grateful that God has put BM in my life. As I looked out at the amazing weather it occurred to me that thus far her impact on my life has been downright significant. God has uses her to help me become more secure and confident in who He wants me to be. In the craziest of times, God continues to drop her in my life (whether I ask Him to or not I might add) to encourage me to keep going or to become better. Even a today with a brief comment in response to the post I left on her blog on Monday. God's timing amazes me - He always knows when we need a boost. Nonetheless, it got me thinking. Her life is an example of what life can be if I trust God completely. And, the depth and vulnerability with which she shares encourages me that with God's help and a crazy love for Him, He can use me too. I credit her for helping me to stop trying to convince God that He is confused with regards to me. I am over telling Him all the reasons why I am unworthy of the call He has given me for full time vocational ministry. Lord knows I'm hardly content pursuing anything else - despite insecurities I have been dedicated to preparing myself for the day He will anoint me to speak and serve on His behalf on a deeper level - but that does not mean I am unaware of my short comings. It is just humbling to recall the amount of God's grace that I have received to get me to this point. I am willing to continue being teachable and to work to prepare myself - it is hard not to seriously wonder if I will be ready for whatever it is He has for me. But, I suppose if Beth can push forth past what she has endured thus far, I can too.
As my heart, mind and will are being transitioned into a new phase in life, I am embracing God on a new level. Beth's example scares me sometimes because I see that even 20 years for now I will likely still struggle with being truly dead to myself as Paul writes. I am convinced that there will always be something we have to overcome to achieve a new level of "sold-outness" for God. But I think seeking to become more like Jesus is a worthy pursuit. Nothing brings me more peace. I'd like to think that the refining process gets to be less painful - but I suppose the deeper He goes in us the harder it is for Him to root out whatever needs to go next. The good news is that I've given up on thinking "why me?" and I'm now thinking "why not?" If I really believe God is who He says He is, then why shouldn't I believe that God can and will use me despite myself? Why can't He use me to change the world? He can & He will. The call on my life is too strong to ignore. Though I'm weak, I rest easy knowing that I am available. I'm grateful to have before me such an opportunity to serve God with my whole life. I know it won't be easy, but like BM says, I should not expect anything less than a wild ride. More than ever, I am ready to jump on board and see what will happen.
To conclude, I must reflect on the word God gave me as I was reading A Heart Like His last night:
"Know the God of your father, and serve Him with a whole heart and willing mind, for the Lord searches every heart and understands the intention of every thought. If you seek Him, He will be found by you, but if you forsake Him, He will reject you forever. Realize now that the Lord has chosen you to build a house for the sanctuary. Be strong and do it." (1 Chronicles 28:9-10)
So, today I am thankful for the way God uses my imaginary mentor in my life. I recognize God is using her as a catalyst to inspire me toward greatness for His kingdom. I never will say I am worthy of such a task - but I can say I am eternally grateful for the opportunity to serve. And now that school is done, I am jumping back into this project full force. God has more for me than this - I know it. I sense it and I believe it -too bad I can't work full time alongside her eh? Then I could have a job and simultaneously finish this crazy blog project LOL. Who knows, maybe one day. Anyway, with renewed commitment and this valuable insight, I move forward ready to embrace the days head. There are 225 days left of this project, let's see what happens next.
Song of the Day: These are the Words I Would Say by Sidewalk Prophets
