Day 352 "Freedom Road"

Wow. There are 18 days left in the year. 16 days and I'll have been on this journey for 365 days. Much to my surprise I am ending the year as I begun it - wrapped up in Breaking Free. These last couple of weeks have been terribly confusing. This year has been mind boggling. And today as God once again allowed me a clear view of the depravity of my soul - I sit baffled wondering why it is He takes any time with me at all. Somehow, I sense that is why God has brought Beth Moore into my life. In my opinion she goes "there" with God - willing to fight the fight to truly be free no matter the cost. As I near the end of the year, I realize the work He has done in her life will for ever leave a mark on my soul and undoubtedly shape the character of who I am to be in the future.

No one in the free world affects me more than God. But there are a few people who have marked me forever and Beth Moore will be among those few. I'm continually surprised by the people He brings into my life to change and mold me. But as I look at this year, I realize this year was about the battle we each have with selff. The battle to realize that Paul's words of "dying to self" truly is gain. I can't help but question whether or not I am making any progress in my spiritual walk. The old adage of 3 steps forward and 10 steps back seems to be an accurate representation of my progress. Yet, simultaneously, I can see that God is helping me grow stronger. And who knows, maybe I am doing better than I think. All I know, is that I am willing to keep trying to move forward.

It brings me to the realization of today. This concept of "freedom road." I am hard pressed to think that my journey and what I am too learn from Beth Moore and other spiritual mentors will become any less dumbfounding in the coming year. As I sit reflecting over the phases God taught her to Breaking Free, I sense the journey for the coming year is to take the lessons of security and fresh grounded faith to move forward to claiming the life God has for me. Going down the road to freedom that helps me reach my ultimate goal of being sold out. For those unfamiliar with Breaking Free the phases based on 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 are thus:

Phase One: "divine power to demolish strong holds" (we can't overcome our strongholds on our own)

Phase Two: "we demolish arguments and every pretension" (we must overcome our rationalizations and find humility so that we can establish a mind set that is ready to be free)

Phase Three: "that sets itself up against the knowledge of God" (Satan's goal is to keep our minds focused on anything but God - we were created to worship Him, Satan wants us to worship anything else)

Phase Four: "we take captive every thought" (we cannot look for a quick fix - we must pursue God and an ever lasting change in our minds to make them truly steadfast against becoming prisoners of destructive, negative, and misleading thoughts for too long)

Phase Five: "to make it obedient to Christ" ("The road to freedom seems a paradox. To experience victory and freedom we need to become captives. We need to develop minds captive to Christ. In this life, we are most free whose minds are captivated by Christ. Victorious lives flow from victorious thoughts. Thinking victorious thoughts comes from setting our focus on a victorious God" - 231)

And within those phases lie the next part of my journey. This year I will turn 30. I am fearful of aging another year lost in the confusing troubles of aging without a particular heartfelt purpose before me. I have a couple more weeks to ponder what God would have me pursue next. I do know that partly I will continue on learning from my self appointed mentor . She will lead the charge in helping me when the battle of my mind by holding me accountable to memorizing Scripture.

This last month has been challenging. Spiritual darkness is all around me and I wonder if I am shining my light for God. But, I must have faith. I must believe that He has me where He wants me. I like the words of Joshua in 3:5 (noted by BM) which state, "Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you." Right now, I can't comprehend God using me to do anything amazing, but part of learning true security is believing it is possible despite myself because I am secure in the One who made me.

Well, that is for today. I just felt compelled to write and it has been awhile. I see also that I didn't publish my last thoughts in November so I will add those in the coming days.

Blessings peeps. Talk to you soon.

Day 291 "Death by Golfball"

Life with God at the helm is so interesting. I can't say it's easy, I can say it's more than I can imagine. For instance, on Sunday, I almost got killed by a golf ball. I know that sounds like a joke, but I am dead serious. The whole experience has me disjointed, kind of in a state shock and a whole new level of feeling alive. I can't help but laugh at the way God chose to get my attention this weekend. But I think it is cool that I can testify to the fact that freak accidents absolutely do happen.

As you know, Sunday's are my favorite day of the week, I rarely have a bad one. I am blessed with the opportunity to lead a group of people in worship. I get the Word taught to me in a way that it resonates to the core of my soul and leaves me changed. This past Sunday, God added to this by allowing me to be hit in the face with His presence as I stood in awe outside my church taking in the first full views of the crisp fall colors of New England. I could not help but to be blown away by the beauty of it. After church, a good meal and a rest, I was blessed further by being able to play golf with my dad. The weather was perfect. Gorgeous to behold and impossible to deny that the beauty I beheld was other worldly and straight from the genius mind of God. My dad and I had a great time taking it in.

As I prepared to tee off on the last hole, I stood off to the side and did a little stretching. I was thinking of all I've been through this year, once again saying a little prayer to God - thanking Him for the day - lifting up my future. THEN - BAMMM. I was hit straight on by a teed golf ball that was easily going a 100 miles an hour or more (if you know my dad you can understand the reality of that). I thought I had been shot - if I didn't know better it would have been an accurate way to describe the sensation. It was immediate pain and took my breath away instantly. It hit me with such force that it knocked me over and guys more than 200 yards away heard it and came running to check on me. Well, the good news is - it was an inch from breaking my ribs, it missed my head and my leg. I was blessed that it hit me squarely on the hip. I couldn't really walk or do anything the rest of the day - I had to take off work yesterday - but I am happy to report that I now have manageable pain and a bruise that could win any contest for a "look how tough I am" award LOL. Plus, the rest of the night I was able to chill (well as best as I could) and hang out with my mom - we had a great time and I glad the door opened up that opportunity.

What's the point of the story? Well, the joy in it for me was that through it all - I had no negative reactions. Besides the obvious crying my mascara off in the moment - not once did I have a "why me" or "I hate this" or anything. This struck me because I am finding that the more God works in my life - the more I am honestly trusting Him in every situation. A lot of things have gone down in my life this year, plenty of reasons to go off the deep end & become bitter. But with each thing that knocks me down, I find I am getting better and better at getting back up. And this HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME but everything to do with God working inside me. I can't help but rejoice in that. I can't help but be grateful that He spared my life Sunday. I feel silly even thinking that, but the reality is that it is true - it made me recognize how precious life is. I can't help but to recognize that I am growing more and more content with who I am in God - despite that fact that nothing in my life makes a bit of sense.

There is still so much I don't get. So much I don't understand. But last night in another intimate time of prayer with God - it was a crazy thing to thank Him for sparing my life. I can't explain how that felt - the personal outpouring between He and I. But I can't say I've ever had a prayer time like this. God has taught me a whole new level of prayer this year - being desperate does that I guess. But, God has used it to go deeper into the recesses of my soul. The outpouring I felt from my soul last night was nothing short of a flood of emotion at God's feet. I can hardly believe the ability of God to just continue to invade me on a deeper and deeper level. Seriously, like words can't even describe it.

Reflecting on this today has taken me in some interesting directions. One is, I think if God has taught me anything this year - it is that forgiveness doesn't mean healing. I can honestly say I am not a bitter person. You can slap my mama and I'll probably be ready to be your bestie again tomorrow. I don't have space in my head for grudges. And when God brings up pain in my life - even pain I didn't know about I am usually pretty prepared to just go ahead and let God deal with me on it. But the other insight has everything to do with my appointed mentor.

A few weeks ago as I took her in live and in person at LPL Boston, I realized God uses her to bestow treasures to me in life. For whatever reason, the spirit in me is seriously responsive to her. As this year continues, I given up trying to fight that or figure it out - I'm just trying to go with the flow I guess. But, I do know that through Beth, God has taught me new levels of soul freedom. I resonate with her on many levels - I get what she says - I get how she thinks - I recognize that God has allowed her for this season to be a spiritual mentor in the faith. Because of His work in me, I am able to respond to the work He is doing in her life. Because of His work in me, He allows me not only to hear the Words He has for me through her but He has also given me the gift to be able to discern those messages. Who am I to question God and how He chooses to work in my life?

You know, I was less than an arm length away from her a couple of weeks ago - literally right behind her. It was strange to be that close and not even say hello. I could have, but some how the timing just didn't feel right. Why? I couldn't tell you if I tried. All I know is that I didn't plan it, I chose my seat randomly and as the day went on it just happened out that way. God is funny. Sometimes I think He finds joy in just messing with us and showing us He is working even when we don't know it. I'm not too stupid to avoid His voice when He tells me not to do something (at least most of the time :O) ), which is why I didn't speak to her. And, I don't know if I will ever meet her, whether I do or not is up to God. But really, it doesn't matter. If it happens, I'll be blessed. If it doesn't we have all of eternity to catch up. My life has still been forever changed by her willingness to pursue God relentlessly. All I can hope is that by obeying God's directive to learn from her, I will become the women God intends me to be.

Life is tricky. We can get killed by golfballs or changed forever by complete strangers. I'm blown away by how deep we can go with giving ourself to God. It's hard to explain but that doesn't mean I am giving up. So heads up. You never know when God my change your world by allowing a golfball to hit you with the force of a bullet :O).

One last tid bit from my reading today:

"If you quit listening, dear child, and strike off on your own, you'll soon be out of your depth"

Proverbs 19: 27

I am still listening. I hope you will too. I don't know when I'll write again peeps, but I pray you are richly blessed.

Adios

Day 267 "Respect Redefined"

Well, I have had a couple of inquiries wondering why I haven't been blogging. I suppose of late the old school method of just having a personal journal has really appealed to the introvert side of my personality. I have split personality of sorts - I'm extroverted when God calls me to it, but there are times when I am shy and invisible. Which part of that you believe would completely depend on the environment and the context of when and where you would meet me. Additionally, I feel like God keeps making this journey more and more personal, which makes it harder to be vulnerable. Nonetheless, I am eternally optimistic and in a given moment I could update this blog for all the days missing - whether or not I do - well, it will give my blog some since of mystery to keep that a secret LOL.

For now, let me tell you one thing that is super important. The job I've been praying for since March - this past Thursday night - I GOT IT. You can now call me Professor Pressley. I like the way that sounds and looks - it makes me feel a great deal smarter than I actually am :O) More than anything it delights me to no end and makes me feel like the pursuit of an education and two Master Degrees has finally paid off and landed me my first ever "real job" that doesn't require me to say "So you want a double tall non fat one splenda one pump of vanilla light on the foam with whip latte?" I'm easily delighted by the little things and some thing like this is major - so describing my enthusiasm is not possible. And though I owe my first four children to slave labor for my SallieMae bill, I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel :O) Also, if you have read my blog at all to this point you know that excitement brings a season of sleeplessness - but at least this sleeplessness is for all the right reasons! I am so very happy to report this to you.

Additionally, you may wonder how my relationship is with my BFF and self-proclaimed mentor is going. I would say, "God has her just as much in my grill now as He did at the first of the year." My mind is still blown by this unique journey God has me on, but I'm no less confused by it than the day I started. I can say, though, I've learned to embrace it on a better level. Believe it or not, the reason I'm even writing today is because I prayed once again for God to give me a point to what He has me doing & reporting here - I was shocked by what He told me.

Besides the fact that I can report that what I have learned from her thus far combined with what God is teaching me through others and through His word - I can honestly say I am more secure and have a deeper sense of healing in the depths of my soul. I keep wondering how deep and wide the peace of God is to the truly freed soul and what blows my mind is that the concept of ultimate liberty can not be truly comprehended. In my retrospection today, I realized that the highs I've experience with God lately are but a blip on the radar of what is possible. The tricky part is, it takes a lot of courage and dependence on God to work through the lows that lead to those ultimate highs. I am quickly finding that true surrender to my hearts desire of a sold out heart means dealing with pain that is barely describable by words - mainly because the pain can emerge at any moment from the enemy's heart penetrating fiery darts or worse yet an honest glimpse of one's self in the mirror. But if I have learned anything from my mentor the high-low moments never end, but the pursuit of a deeper relationship with God always bares fruit. Beyond that, I've come to have a greater respect for putting on the full armor of God each day.

Ultimately, the gift so far is that God has taught me a new way of loving our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. Not only has God allowed me to truly respect a total stranger, but also to genuinely have deep care and concern for her based purely on the fact that we are sisters in Christ. I'm compassionate by nature and it would not be out of the ordinary for me to lay down my life for a stranger if God asked me to do it, but this unexpected feeling of truly admiring someone to the point that I lift them up in prayer on a daily basis stumps me emotionally. It is so weird being this invested in prayer and not having a clue to the point of it. Try as I might to ignore it, God won't allow me too & uses more strangers unaware to hold me accountable to this season of prayer for her. But as I end nearly four years of this - can this truly be wrapped up in my mind as a "season"? - Sigh. Best I can figure she just must need more prayer than any person I've ever met. And since I have the time, God's just has me doing it & blessing me with the benefit of learning from her as a bonus.

Granted, the study of her teaching has allowed me to get to know her on some level, but I can't say I've ever been this deeply affected by a person I only know from speeches, media, print & second hand stories. I think we would all agree we are a combination of the things God has exposed us too in life. But never before has God allowed any person other than my parents to have a place of influence in my life like this. I am a student by nature. I tap a source till the well is dry & God moves me to a new one. I'll take a mentor moment in life whenever and however I can get it. But something here...is different.

All told it begs the question: How am I impacting people who may be watching me? Am I a person people can respect? The answer can be both yes and no. That doesn't send me to an insecure tailspin because I believe that answer is the same for everyone. But, the question does influence how I handle each day. We are all working on "the dash" on our headstone after all, if I can some how manage to glorify God by doing it then I'll feel contented. Mistakes will happen, but at least in Christ the opportunity for a clean slate is always available to a truly repentent heart. That's how I sleep at night (when the adrenaline isn't pumping anyway :O) ).

OK. This post has been long enough. I'll leave you with the passage that often brings me comfort - from the MSG b/c it is closest:

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

(Matt 11:28-30)

This has been true in my life. I sense the same for my "mentor." And if you happen upon this glimpse in my life today - know it is also true for you. Later Gators :O)

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PS - Jesus influences my life more -I just meant in the 21st century in case you are wondering :O)

Day 239 "Worship"

God has truly taken my life to a new level this week. I am sitting in the church building where I lead worship. It is the quiet of the morning - well before anyone is scheduled to arrive. I just had church all by myself as I ran through the songs for service. My spirit is alive this morning as I yearn for my true home heaven. I can not wait until the day where worship is our only duty. Won't it be glorious? I think so.

This week has been tumultuous - filled with extreme highs and lows. My heart is inclined to remember a song called "Up to the Mountain" - most recently covered by Crystal Bowersox. The passion in which she sings it moves me every time - but the words move me more b/c the the lyrics speak so loudly the outcry of the depths of my soul. So today, that is what I want to share on my blog post....

Up To The Mountain

I went up to the mountain because you asked me to
Up over the clouds to where the sky was blue
I could see all around me
Everywhere
I could see all around me
Everywhere

Sometimes I feel like I’ve never been nothing but tired
And I’ll be walking till the day I expire
Sometimes I lay down no more can I do
But then I go on again
Because you ask me to

Some days I look down afraid I will fall
And though the sun shines I see nothing at all
Then I hear your sweet voice, oh
Oh, come and then go, come and then go
Telling me softly
You love me so

The peaceful valley
Just over the mountain
The peaceful valley
Few come to know
I may never get there
Ever in this lifetime
But sooner or later
It’s there I will go
Sooner or later
It’s there I will go

Sooner or later that is where I will go. I've been up on the mountain a lot with God lately. Just me and the eternal vastness that is Him. It has been a crazy roller coaster of a ride that I don't expect will end any time soon. But what I know more than anything is He is showing me the depths to which "Seek me and Ye shall find" is the best verse in the whole Bible. He is letting me find Him in ways I have never known Him - I could not feel more grateful for the opportunity to know and love the God who gives me so much.

OK - I have to get going. Have a blessed day peeps!

Day 232 "Rainy Sunday"

Today seemed to represent fall arriving in these parts. School starts soon. It was rainy and like 72 - so of course both of the local Dunkin Doughnut Parking lots were full to the brim - crazy. I am beginning to think our church plan for fall should just be to have service at Dunkin - it could work.... :O)

The service was good this morning - God seems to just be happily helping me with my healing goals. I learned a great deal from the pastor on the role of wives and husbands - quiet simply the best sermon on this subject I have ever heard (based on Eph 5:21-32). It ministered to me b/c in this is my season of praying for my future husband to be (whoever he may be) - I like knowing what I am allowed to expect - and also what I can work on in my life now to be all that he expects. It was a good moment.

Since it is random Sunday's - I thought I would like to share the verse that is part of day 2 of my healing project:

"You are my friends if you so what I command you. I do not call you slave anymore, because a slave doesn't know what his Master is doing. I have called you friends because I have made known to you everything I have heard from my Father. " - John 15:14-15

I know this seems like an odd verse, but this one spoke to me in the area of friendship and relationships today. I am praying for new friendships in my life and asking God to prepare my heart for those new friendships - this concept of laying down my life for another really strikes a cord in my heart. I am fiercely loyal as a friend - but I am also extremely broken in leu of betrayal and I don't know how to restore trust to a brutalized relationship. So my area of fault is knowing when to work toward restoration & knowing when to walk away. All told, it means I now choose my deep friendships carefully - I choose acquaintance more then friendships lately and that is something I want to change.

My flaw is giving too much access to my heart. Loyalty is good. Allowing others to see my true heart is good. But, I must remember not to be too dependent on what I receive from those friendships b/c if they fill a void of some sort in my life - friends often do don't they? - the fall out of that band aid being removed from my life is never positive.

That being said - and I know I am rambling today - don't blame me - it's sunday and it's rainy and the only thing I can properly process today is NAPS :O) - BUT ANYWAY - I like the reminder that Jesus is my friend - always more loyal than me on my best days. This component of our relationship with Him has always been first and foremost on things I like best about Jesus. Having a friend stick closer than a brother - an only child who moved a lot and had no brothers - well it was like a match made in heaven :O) So - as I heal from broken friendships - I rejoice in the fact that there is one friend in my life who will never cause me pain. And, I look forward to how my new healed heart will fair as I work to be vulnerable again and find new friends.

Day 231 "Day One"

Today was really quite and interesting day. I mean it was all sorts of whacko with how it came about - but honestly - it turned out so well I can't complain. The BFF was on the mind right away though - this whole 30 day situation I found about yesterday was just churning in my mind....

Last night, I had the hardest time sleeping, which meant I lost a good chunk of my day to recovering from that. But once the brain got going again & my wits came back to me - God was just all up in my business in the best sort of ways. So, I have really felt determined to allow God to speak to me on how to approach this "30 days of healing" situation. But I was worried about starting it because - WELL - if you have seen the blog I like starting things, but not always finishing them :O) SO - this is different though - I THINK - 'cause I am more determined! Hehe. No seriously, it's like the BFF said when she was writing So Long Insecurity - she was mad enough to do something about it - and well shoo fire - I am finally mad enough to find a way to kick these past hurt eruptions in my life!

Though I will keep my five "hurts" to myself - I do hope you will have fun joining me on the journey. I am working to journal & blog the experience, memorize some Scriptural weapons for my heart arsenal & pray - whether I know exactly how to pray about it or not. But most important - stay focused and alert about the messages He sends my way to minister to my needs. Ummm - you won't believe this but today HE SENT THREE. I feel like this is a very good start :O)

Today's verse was from John 15:12-13 "This is my command: love one another as I have love you. No greater love than this, that someone would lay down his life for his friends."

And yes, one of my "things" revolves around a relationship - this verse ministers to me b/c it reminds me of why and how I can love - despite how a relationship is going. I can choose to ignore and flat stomp on the enemy when he tries to get me all worked up over a situation or conversation. And, instead of letting it hurt me - I can just choose to love. So, for the next 30 days in this particular relationship - I am choose not to argue or engage in a negative way. This will be hard - but I know God can help me. And, hopefully in the end it will yield some positive results on both our parts.

On another note: God also blessed me with a wonderful visit with my mom. I had this conversation with her telling her - telling her that I was unsure about this waiting situation b/c it made me feel lazy. She encouraged me and then when I got home - out of the blue - my aunt sent me an email telling me about a story she just read in Scripture. As a result she felt she needed to send me a note telling me to keep patiently waiting that God had a plan!!! Can you believe it? AWESOME.

Anyway, it is a bit late right now. I am really up way late - I have to get going and get ready for church tomorrow - But between you and me - I am ready to get my praise and worship groove on RIGHT NOW! LOL. But, I guess I can wait a few more hours so that I can have some friends to do it with me :O)

Day 230 "Overcoming"

You know what? I am not disillusioned to the fact that life is a culmination of processes and experiences that come together to make us someone unique not only in the eyes of the world - but also in the eyes of God. Though I have had more than a fair share of people ask me if they know me or who say "You remind me of such and such" - it feels good knowing that in God's eyes I only remind Him of myself.

Clearly I am in deep thinking mode today, but I did not wake up in such a mood. Actually, I woke up with the weight of the world on my chest and very much considered not getting up for a bit longer because I didn't want to face it. But you know, in faith I just wanted to get up and be like "God I can't handle this feeling, but I am willing to get up and let you help me with it."

So, I made myself some brunch and snuggled up in front of the TV with my BFF and told God to lay it on me. I've been wanting to sequentially watch her three sessions from LifeToday on "Brokenness and Healing." I had watched 2 and they got my mind rolling, but it had been some days and I was strongly compelled to sit there with the rest of my chocolate ice cream from the other day, my Bible, and my little black notebook. I felt determined to wrap my head around the message as a whole.

If you have kept up with my blog this year, you know that the goal of it is to get to the bottom of myself so that I can be filled up and made whole in God. That has meant working to overcome my two strongest battles: insecurity & healing of wounds I thought were healed but aren't. I can honestly say I feel like God has brought me a long way, but I will by no means say I feel I have overcome the worst of it. IF anything, I think God is making me aware of how low it is possible to go and still keep going with Him. Anyway, but that gets me to what I learned from my mentor. 7 things stood out to me:

1. You can not love God & Not love others
2. You can not love others without loving God
3. God cares about our broken hearts - no matter what caused them to become broken (ourselves included)
4. Jesus Christ was sent to bind up our wounds and heal our broken hearts
5. A constant over reaction in a situation is usually representative of something not being right inside our hearts and we need to allow God to work in us to show us how to heal and fix it
6. We need to go beyond superficial surface healing and allow healing to go deep inside our wounds to heal them completely
7. And, if we don't heal we become either perpetual victims or victimizers.

Whew. That is a lot to take in I know. I suggest letting it sink in a minute if you need to. The first two alone could be a post all by themselves. They show that we can't just chose how our love comes out, but that love is an overflow of a heart filled by God - if we are truly filled we can't help but love and feel love in return.

I really like the assurance of 3 & 4 . I know God as my healer, but sometimes I don't feel I deserve healing when I know there are some areas I have broken my own heart from my own misinterpretation or poor choices. But the cool part is that God loves me enough to heal me even then. Jesus is there to heal all types of broken hearts - that is what the Word says - not just some kinds -ALL KINDS.

The last three just prepare my heart for her two prescriptions for healing. When we see this over reaction of emotion just come out of now where - we need to pay attention to it - let God show us the root cause. And when we get there with Him and He shows us the pain - we need to not overlook the healing part. I am guilty of this. I'll let Him break me all the way down - and I settle for just surface healing. Partly because I suppose that is all I feel I deserve. But what I understand, is if I don't let it go down and really heal - I'll become a perpetual victim or bitterness and anger will lead me to victimize others. Now, I'll be honest, my sanguine personality rarely manifests in the the second option - but that doesn't mean it isn't possible.

She offers these two prescriptions:

1. Commit to a season of healing (Ecc. 3:3) (And, have someone hold you accountable to it)
2. Stop letting guilt block your healing.

Woah. Kind of seems too easy, but it stopped me in my little tracks today and really got me down to wanting to kick this hurt-thing in the tail end. Two sources of hurt emerged immediately - two sources I thought at the beginning of this year I had kind of all ready dealt with again for the umpteenth time. But that's the point of this - is there perpetual hurt that emerges? Even if it cycles in life slowly - then its still there!!! BUMMER.

So, here I am again. Taking up old battles with new tools. The challenge is to go at it for 30 days - having someone partner with you to pray you through it. The deal is not just to deal with it when it hurts - but to deal with it EVERYDAY good and bad - so that God can get you to a place where you truly conquer it. I like this plan and it is a new way to go about it. We all know that on my high days I could spiritually sail the Titanic with my gusto for life. So there it is. A commitment to heal. Now that I have let it settle on me I have five areas I am seeking to lift up. Two hurt me more than the others and the other 3 provide me with a source of over reactions. I'm not saying I'll conquer all five in 30 days - but I am saying my God is big enough to help me take them all five on without letting me kill over dead.

The BFF says to go at it like this for 30 days and then re-access. So that is my plan for now. For 30 days I choose to see how God will minister to these hurts & this time when He gets me to that place where He is ready to heal me - I am actually just going to let Him heal me instead of convincing myself I don't deserve it. So if you think on it - pray for me. I would appreciate it.

I live this with you from So Long Security:

"After the likes of Adam, Eve, Abraham, Sarah, Hagar, Leah, Rachel, Saul, the woman at the well, the super-apostles, and Paul, surely we can breathe a sigh of relief that we are not alone in our struggles. Human flesh and blood have no weakness so strong that God's strength is made weak. He's got what we need. It's up to us whether or not we're going to let the worst of us get the best of us. 'May the Lord answer you when you are in trouble; may the God of Jacob make you secure!' (Ps. 20:1)"

As it were - the chapter for today is "Rooting it Out" - I feel ready for it after all this LOL. Have a great day peeps!

Day 229 "Nerdy"

Praise Jesus and Thank the Lord - TODAY I feel like a Nerd! :O) This is good for those of you who read my blog because it means several posts will likely make their way into the world of endless internet today. These last few days have been tumultuous to say the least. But this morning at the crack of 330 AM I was awake and just ready to be with my Jesus.

If you are like - um sleep much? Well, in fact yes LOL. I was "all set" with my day by about 6PM yesterday - so I was like "Nap time for you Missy!" So me and my jobless little self got snuggly and that nap turned into a much needed sleep. By 330 this morning I was ready for breakfast and more than ready to start the day after an uninterrupted sleep of 8hours (what is required for my inner mojo to be restored).

So after one of the best breakfast burritos I have ever cooked in my life - I was like "I'm here Jesus what now?" He was all like "Romans." And I am like, "Really?" And He was like "YEP." So Romans I read.... and I could hardly put it down! What an awesome book to rediscover this AM! It hit me right straight in the heart and it was like every word of it just made since to me. I must agree with scholars who say this is Paul's greatest work - and it totally inspires me to be all that I can be. Have you read it lately? You should if you haven't in awhile - all in one sitting it makes the whole thing come together. As my BFF BM would say "this is the whole megillah" (a reference from Esther) of what our faith is really all about.

There are so many quotable parts - I don't even know where to begin: "If God is for us, who is against us?" (8:31) & "But who are you - anyone who talks back to God?" (9:20) & "We must pursue what promotes peace and what builds up one another" (14:19) - So much to take away - I don't even know where to start. What I am learning will likely emerge the coming days. But this led me to want to go to my dad's library and learn more - I have books too - I was just really hoping He would be up so we could talk - but to give Him some time - I watched some TV and ended up with my spiritual BFF BM on LifeToday concluding a talk on hurt and healing broken hearts. What I learned from this is like a whole post in itself - but let's just say that my spiritual BFF did the thing and got my spirit running and revving to spend even more time with my Jesus. So - 6AM off to see my dad.

Not up - BUMMER. He usually is up in His own alone time with God working on His sermons - so I was all geeked up that we could talk about what we both were learning. Oh well, I ended up waking my parents up and neither where nearly awake enough to talk about all the spiritual adrenaline coursing through my veins - so I spared them and just took some of my dad's books and came home....BUT not before I stopped and got some chocolate Haagen-Daz ice cream! Oh yes I did eat the best chocolate ice cream on the face of the planet at 630 this morning! LOL. And it was so good you would be jealous if I could pen how well Jesus and ice cream go together :O)

So then I was in commentaries for a few hours reading about Romans. And came across this idea from Martin Luther "sola fide" which is latin for "by faith alone." That just set me off. So like a nerd I've read until about 9am, until I got sleepy again b/c my brain was so full - but not before in true nerd fashion getting my head into no less than 5 books. One last one I must note is some quotable moments I had with another one of my spiritual BFF's Oswald Chambers - (I have his complete works in one volume b/c I have a beautiful gma who loves me enough to have bought it for me.) Look at this from his lecture entitled "the worker"

"God can break or bend or mold, just as He chooses. You do not know why He is doing it; He is doing it for One purpose only, that He may be able to say, 'This is My man, My woman.'"

Woo-hoo that is what I needed to hear today. And,

"The only test that a worker is Christ's witness is that he never becomes mean from contact with mean people any more than he becomes sinful from contact with sinful people."

My goodness. And these are only a few words of note. Clearly God is all in my business today reminding me of the joy of being a Christian. I've been a bit hum drum b/c of the spiritual depravity I am surrounded with in my current circumstances. But praise the Lord God woke me up in a nerdy mood today - not having a job has the perk of me being able to have these unadulterated times with the Lord. After a nap, I am really more charged up than before. My heart is bursting with joy and wanting to learn more I am having a hard time focusing! So, I think I'll work the adrenaline down with some house work.

I hope you all have a blessed and nerdy day today. Commentaries really aren't that dull when combined with this hunger for more - you should check one out sometime. The ones on the New Testament by Holman Publishers are really quite readable if you need a more book like approach. Okay - enough for now - later gators!

Day 228 "Eat, Pray, Love"

I did all three of these today in no particular order.

You see, I have been looking forward to today since Saturday - but today did not turn out as planned.

The reason I was so excited was that I was going to get to spend some time with my mom (who has been away for 3 months) by going to see the movie "Eat, Pray, Love." Consequently I would get to experience eating, praying and loving with a cool mom. WELL, I woke up in terrible, terrible pain - Sigh. I tried to sleep it off, but to no avail. I decided to try and pretend like I wasn't b/c I really wanted to hang out with my mom. So, I got dressed up - put on my happy face and off to one of my most favorite activities in the whole world - MOVIES!!!

We got popcorn and coke and settled right in. The movie was quiet interesting. This woman was off to find her passion for life. I can relate - can't we all? IF I had the means, I guarantee that I would take up her adventure (with a God-centered approach) without hesitation. I think it is pertinent to access our passions on a regular basis - not that they have to change per se - but just to charge them up and make sure we are living life in the right direction. The downer for this character was that she was looking in all the wrong places. She tried praying, but she didn't know who to pray too. So she ends up finding gods - but the right one. She finds that her strength comes from within. And, ultimately redefines what love for herself and others is. Actually, she seemed to be a real picture of the modern woman. Yearning for truth, but not knowing how to really find it. Knowing that the story is based on a real woman, I actually was really encouraged that she may one day find the real truth. God tells us if we seek we shall find - my only concern is that if she is not careful she may end up defining God as unique within herself - she is walking a fine line of believing that all ready. Nonetheless, I found her attempts to discover life in a fresh way to be inspiring and they give me a specific way to pray for people at large. My heart broke that she was so close to understanding how God truly works in our life....but that hairline fracture of a step the enemy keeps so many from stepping - it's eternally threatening and so many are in her shoes - and with this movie - so many more will be in the same shoes - BUMMER. But, I'll do my best to fight for those who are so close! Will you?

Alas, deep thinking aside - popcorn and coke did not help my situation - even though it was some of the best popcorn and coke I have had in a long time! We were off to meet my dad for dinner and then - all went down hill for me. I couldn't even eat my dinner and it was very hard to keep up a positive outward appearance - so I boxed up my dinner and went home - defeated by my inability to be a very fun date on a day that I had looked so forward too. BUMMER.

Overall, trying to cover my pain made me looked insincere with my approach to life. Insincerity always leads someone to be disappointed in us doesn't it? I really did try to fake it, but nothing good came of it - even though I had a great time at the movie, I feel sure no one really enjoyed my company.

It got me quiet thinking about life and our Christian walk. Sincerity is the force that drives me, but today's unplanned faked emotion really taught me how important it is that we live as we are, whether we think that will be accepted or not. Cause when we don't we lose anyway. If we just live in the light and really live as ourselves - whether people like us or not doesn't really matter because we are being who we are and seeking only to please our heavenly Father.

Looking for an example to provide me encouragement - I am reminded of what attracts me to my spiritual BFF as a mentor. She really does seem to constantly access her current situations. Look, I am sure she has days just like me, where it all doesn't come together. But, it is apparent, especially since she willingly took up being a poster child for insecurity, that she is willing to work at being sincere as much as possible. It's what I glean the most from her - when she senses something isn't right - she studies and gets as real as she can before God to work "that thing out" until it's handled and she can live free from it.

Today, I bombed at life. But with a good nights sleep - I should be better prepared for the hope that waits for me in the morning. It's about learning to live perpetually free with God. I know that is what I am to learn from Beth, but I am not yet confident that this is worthy enough of a post to count as a major insight. But knowing that someone else out there in the free world struggles to find the balance of truly walking free in Christ helps me hold fast to truths like that in Galatians 5:1

"Christ has liberated us into freedom. Therefore stand firm and don't submit again to a yoke of slavery."

Live free peeps.

Day 227 "Sunrise @ the Beach"

God allowed me to do the coolest thing this morning. I was having another sleepless night, but this morning I was charged up and ready to go like I had red bull for blood! In particular, I felt God pressing me to spend time with Him, but I also had a friend in mind b/c I knew she was going to have a rough day. In the midst of asking God to please give me a Word to encourage her (and ME too if I am being honest) - He gave me the coolest idea - Go take in the sunrise at the beach!

I was game. I packed up a towel, my Bible, my journal & I was off. I stopped and got two glazed doughnuts (a treat I have not had in quiet some time) and drove to the beach. I knew why God was pressing me to go there - my friend's favorite place is the beach - wouldn't it be cool if I could send her a picture from a beach but beyond that be all like "look where God had me pray for you today!" I was so jazzed about this idea. I kind of thought she might think I was psycho, but I just went for it.

I found a place to park - no tourists where out yet and parking was still free. I put out my towel - ate a doughnut - enjoyed the crashing waves - and then got to it. The morning wasn't necessarily beautiful - storms and changing of weather and all - but, it was still great to feel the sea air hit my face and sense the stickiness on my skin that only a beach can provide. I opened up the Word and after some time - God gave me this from 2 Timothy 2:7, "Consider what I say, for the Lord will give you understanding in everything."

I had to let that sink in. It was pretty profound. I knew it would be encouraging to me if I were in my friends shoes - matter of fact - it was encouraging to me in my current situation. My plight of late has been obsessive compulsive confusion in my day to day goings on. It was great that God would speak to me on such matters. Humbled, I just thanked God for the Word for me and my friend. I prayed a bit more over our situations. Then - I whipped out my iPhone, took a risk and emailed my friend of the morning adventures and how blatantly and specifically that He allowed me to pray for her in one of her favorite environments. I mean, woah.

I took in the waves a bit longer - enjoyed being still with God in a new place - and was all like "Thanks for this second doughnut it tastes way better than the first" - LOL. :O) And then I went home while the beach was still quiet.

You know, we can't always know when what God will ask us to do something that will bless someone else. For me, I usually spend more time trying to figure out if I am crazy and making it up as I go along. But today it was SO CLEAR. You see, I used to trust this part of my time with God more. But when relationships burn you a time or two - it gets harder to take risks. But you know what? God used this crazy impulse to bless my friend - I feel so blessed that God can use me in such a time of weakness to minister to another. Even though I feel unsuccessful in life right now, I am glad to know He is still using me.

So, when God asks you to do something that may seem crazy - whether it be for you or for someone else - just do it. In time, you'll be better at discerning such opportunities. I am not always awesome at this and many times I've written notes or done things that to this day remain response-less. That doesn't mean they weren't used - it just means I did my best to be obedient to God in the moment and that is what I have to be OK with. And then, on special days like this - I get the blessing of knowing He used my time with Him for good.

Well, I let you know when He gives me understanding on my current life :O) Till then...this story will have to do.

I would like to say I am came home and was blessed by my mentor moment with BM. But the truth is - I CRASHED. And then got oddly sick - so I was out the rest of the day. But, maybe knowing this story will bless you - even though it lacks the appropriate mentor moment :O)

Take a risk today peeps!

Day 226 "Not Again"

I am not a fan of being an insomniac. But, God tends to find it funny - so I am learning to embrace it - until He helps me sleep normally again :O) Today was nothing special, I felt a bit under the weather so I did my typical Monday routine and rested with a few of my favorite shows. I packed a few boxes and read. No golf today - trust me - having a job won't come soon enough! I am living these days like an 80 year old lady with no car and nothing to do. (By the way - when I am 80 I do hope that I am quiet busy you know - I want to be speaking and teaching till I die - maybe by then I will have enough credibility to actually represent God appropriately LOL).

That being said, I do have a couple of things on my mind. As I mentioned last week, I am working through So Long Insecurity - again. I'll read this book till I get it LOL. The enemy would have me not finish it, but I will dagum (some Texas word I am trying to learn to use to keep me in touch with my roots :O), I WILL.

Today in particular a quote stood out:

"The beauty of Paul wasn't his superhumanity but his unwillingness to let his weaknesses, feelings, and fears override his faith. Like us, the fiercest enemy he had to fight in the fulfillment of his destiny was himself. To Paul, the essence of the crucified life was daily dying to the part of himself that would deny, destroy, or distract from the great word of God in him. The great work of God through him."

I love Paul. I think he would be a good friend to me. I can't wait to meet him in heaven. You know, if anything, I can say that God has me RIGHT HERE. My weaknesses, fears and feelings have an overwhelming presence in my life right now. My ability to fight the good fight and keep courageous has been underwhelming. I am weaker than I want to be when it comes to living life fully dressed in my armor. I am trying, but I am having the hardest time seeing if I am making any progress. Right now, I define success as being able to say I still trust God and love my Jesus at the end of the day. Until I get my sea legs for my current situation...that will have to be what supplies me contentment.

I told you I was also working through the Chronicles of Narnia - right now I am working on "The Horse and His Boy." I was drawn to this quote today, "Like most days when you are alone and waiting for something this day seemed about a hundred hours long. He had plenty to think of, of course, but sitting alone, just thinking, is pretty slow."

And that is a good conclusion if I could say so myself - Thank you CS Lewis! Right now, waiting is making my days long and my hours slow. I am working to not be wrapped up in thinking & doing my best to use wisely the time I have. My goal is to die to myself - just like my spiritual hero Paul. It may take until I am 80 to get a grip on life - but as long as I can get there with some sort of a grip - I'll know I've made some progress.

OK - I am off to do some more slow living :O) - But hey - at least I am still living right?

Day 225 "Let the Waters Rise"

You know sometimes I like to represent my life in music. And since Sunday's are typically my dedicated tangent days - I would like to share the song that represents my life in this current moment. I hope it resonates with you. It gets me through hard times and remains me of my goals during the good times.

"Let the Waters Rise" by MikesChair

Don't know where to begin - It's like my world's caving in

And I try but I can't control my fear - Where do I go from here?

Sometimes its so hard to pray - When You feel so far away

But I am willing to go - Where You want me to

God, I trust You.

There's a raging sea right in front of me

Wants to pull me in - bring me to my knees

So let the waters rise - If You want them too

I will follow You - I will follow You - I will follow You.

I will swim in the deep 'cuz You'll be next to me

You're in the eye of the storm and the calm of the sea

You're never out of reach

God, You know where I've been - You were there with me then

You were faithful before - You'll be faithful again

I'm holding Your hand.

There's a raging sea right in front of me

Wants to pull me in - bring me to my knees

So let the waters rise - If You want them too

I will follow You - I will follow You - I will follow You.

God Your love is enough - You will pull me through

I'm holding onto You

God Your love is enough, I will follow You.

I will follow You.

There's a raging sea right in front of me

Wants to pull me in - bring me to my knees

So let the waters rise - If You want them too

I will follow You - I will follow You - I will follow You.

Day 215 "Whew"

Oh mano. The weather today is as reckless as my emotions. Thundering - shake the world type storms this morning - followed by peace and hot stickiness - followed by calm and drenching rain - followed by a calm sunshine that makes the plants just seem to glisten in all their glory. The fact that I feel the weather is a descriptor of my emotions ought to be evidence that I am having sort of a torrential internal sort of day. That kind of day where I am glad I can just stay at home and be with my Jesus - so that I can pray every five minutes without anyone being able to sense that I am on the edge of a complete melt down.

Life is as crazy as ever. I am having to recite Scriptures in a moment by moment basis just so I can remember my proper perspective. "God is in control. God is in control." It's a record in my head that won't soon shut off in the remaining hours of this day. "God has given us everything required for life and godliness..." (1 Peter 1:3) I haven't been this scared in a long time, but neither have I felt God's power in my life so strong. With each ping of my email I am confronted with joy and trepidation (and never - might I add - have I been more annoyed with junk emails than I have today :O) ).

I should have expected the enemy would come after to me this week - After all, God all but gave me affirmation to my life this past weekend. He showed me how much I can trust Him - how much He is in control - and how even though everything in my life is uncertain...how He remains true and faithful. Yet today, in my pantry trying to decide what food to eat and what food to save for tomorrow, I broke down and had a total Jesus moment. The enemy attacked me full on and is working his best to convince me that nothing I am doing is right - b/c if I was - life would not be so full of desperation. By the world standards, right now I could not be more at the bottom. But you know what? Despite the desperation, I'm totally convinced that somehow in this perceived chaos God is at work. So, as I've learned... I just let it all out and gave the moment to my God who is there for me in the times I am dancing around my house worshipping Him and in the times where I am broken before Him.

And then it hit me, God used my spiritual BFF to tell me that the only thing in life we should truly be desperate for is Jesus. This bit of encouragement led me to her blog where I was carted off in my mind to an RV driving through some of the western states. The laughter and fresh reminder that any given day God will have us somewhere - usually in places unexpected - doing exactly what it is He wants us to do. Sometimes that is rest. Sometimes that is surrendered and desperate for Him in every passing moment. And sometimes its just out there enjoying His beauty. All told - it comes together to work for His good.

So today, I am desperate for Him to pay attention to me in every moment. He is my only source of comfort. AND I am OK with that:

"Trust in the Lord and do what is good; dwell in the land and live securely. Take delight in the Lord and He will give you your heart's desires. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act, making your righteousness shine like the dawn, you justice like the noonday. Be silent before the Lord and wait expectantly for Him" (Psalm 37:3-7)

I choose to trust. I CHOOSE TO TRUST. I am waiting expectantly and though I am scared, I won't deny I feel Him with me. Another one of my spiritual BFF's put it well in something of hers I was reading today:

Maybe this is the true secret of being fulfilled and content. Living in the moment with God, defined by His truth, and with no unrealistic expectations for others or things to fill me up. Not reaching back for what was lost in my yesterdays. And not reaching for what I hope will be in my tomorrow. But living fully with what is right in front of me. And truly seeing the gift of the moment (Lysa T, Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl).

God has assured me that I am exactly where I am supposed to be - continuing my work toward fully surrendering my life to Him. I don't have to let the enemy bully me - I just have to live in God's gift of this moment. Patiently waiting. Which reminds me of another point from LT:

Have you ever asked the question, 'God what do You require of me?' The answer to a question like this has everything to do with our character needing to be developed to match our calling.

Yep. That is me. I am fully aware that God is developing my character. I kind of feel like this will be a life long journey that never ends. But in desperation, I have hope. When doubt tries to get the better of me - I can sit here and know that God loves me enough to be right here with me, molding me into the woman I am meant to become.

So whenever you come across this post my friend, know that I could use your prayers. Because in good times and bad - I want always to be completely desperate for my ultimate BFF Jesus. And know, that is my prayer that anyone coming across my blog will yearn for the same.

Day 200 "Unfinished Plans"

Okay - time to boast a bit. I am really good at planning. I mean I can see a situation, strategize a way to complete it. I mean step-by-step plan for success. I can take a challenge break it down to manageable pieces. I am a strategizer with a plan in hand. I am good at understanding what it really takes to get something done. The problem is that in life our greatest strength is often in combat with our greatest weakness. For me, that can sometimes mean follow through and completing the plan. I don't know if I get bored easy or if I am just too undisciplined to make life count as it should each day. Or maybe the enemy is just good at knowing my weaknesses and he knows how to neutralize my "change the world for Christ" efforts. I can't do anything on my own - I am more sure of that than I am my own next breath. But sometimes I feel like I should be a little more capable so God doesn't have to work so hard to prod me along each day. It's like I see how a project should be done, I know I can do it, but then it's like I sike myself out or something. I don't give up, but I can sometimes procrastinate. But the closer a deadline - the more of a challenge which helps my adrenaline pump and really gets my creative juices flowing. But why can't I get things done sooner I wonder? How much of that is God's timing and how much of it is me being undisciplined? I wish there was a PH test to determine my efforts.

Then at the same time, I kind of feel like I am doing all that I can. I don't know. It's a battle. I am either a big dreamer with foresight to see how things could be or I am just too ambitious and believe more can get done in a day than really can be done. Time will tell, but I sense God working to teach me balance. But, I feel God pressing on my heart to do better right now with time management. Weird right? The problem is when I don't feel challenged, I kind of don't have the drive I need to accomplish what I need to accomplish. And with not really having a job - I kind of have to challenge myself and well that can be pretty tough. I can be a workaholic if I wanted to b/c in my mind there is always something to do - but that is followed with moments or days where I don't seem to accomplish anything b/c I don't really know what to do b/c I wonder if anything I am doing is truly pursuing God's plan for my life. -Sigh. They say in life the biggest battle is with ourselves and well I guess God is teaching me to endure and be strong as the old and new men in me fight to the death. (I feel confident the new man is winning :O)

When God has you in a holding pattern it can be kind of tough b/c you don't know if He is wanting you to rest or wanting you to work to get ready for the next step. I know it is kind of a mix for both b/c we can never really be fully ready for the unknown. I am comforted by James 1:2-5:

Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do it's complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing. Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives to all generously and without criticizing, and it will be given to him.

I am pretty sure I have mentioned this verse before, it is one that gets me through on many occasions. I love the book of James, it speaks volumes into my spirit.

My mentor moment comes from some videos that are about a year old. I was perusing about and came across one of BM's videos where she is talking about the start of her ministry and why it is entitled Living Proof. It really suit my mood to hear about her beginning and how God was working in her life in those early days. It resonates with my current situation of beginning something new and almost undefinable with God. It offered me hope and encouragement to know that sometimes when God presents us with a plan that may seem out of our realm of comprehension - something big is up.

So for now, I am working to finish up the unfinished in my life. I feel confident that God will send me a job soon which will happily consume more of my daily life. But for now, I am searching my heart and my life for things that are on the verge of completion so that I can wrap that thing up and be a little more free to take on something new. It's sunny out today and I am feeling pretty optimistic about accomplishing a lot with the six hours of work time I have left. And, as I think on my mentor and what God would have me learn from her, I also remember Hebrews 13:7:

Remember your leaders who have spoken God's word to you. As you carefully observe the outcome of their lives, imitate their faith.

And that is what it boils down too. I have plenty to imitate and if it kills me, I will imitate those who I respect. There are many out there for me to look up too. And right now God has my self-proclaimed mentor pretty high on that list. I am observing and hoping that through osmosis BM and the others I am exposed to with inspire me to become who I am supposed to become in and with the Lord.