Day 120 "Ambition"

Another day in Boston. God is speaking to me so much here that I am actually considering moving here so I can hear Him better all the time. :0) I know the reality is that I am away from distractions (except the ones in my head of course) and I am in a place both in life and environmentally that is conducive for hearing and receiving a Word from God, but nonetheless - I feel pretty aware these last few days.

I just started reading this book tonight: Rescuing Ambition by Dave Harvey. He defines ambition as "the instinctual motivation to aspire to things, to make something happen, to have an impact, to count for something in life." And then it hit me, that is what is different about me this week. I knew my BFF and mentor had inspired me to be more secure, but this additional drive associated with such a lifestyle change is AMBITION! God has given me a new level of ambition. I'm dreaming big again - I am believing in the impossible. I am actually open to God doing absolutely anything in my life. I am receptive to Him using me for big things even though I think I am a weird choice for that. Ambition, the benefit of security. I could get use to this.

I've always been especially driven. I would say my natural personality is ambitious. But hard knocks and people scars can really knock a spirit down you know? Right now, however, it kind of feels like spiritually I am on Red Bull. But, some how I don't even think I have seen the half of it. At 29 is my journey with God only still at the beginning? Does it really keep getting better and better? I think so.

Reading about ambition made me realize why I am so drawn to Beth - she is ambitious and she inspires me to be ambitious. She is willing to "go there" with God and commit whole heartedly to the things He asks her to do - even if that means spilling her guts or speaking in front of large audiences that would make even the best of speakers want to throw up! At least that is my perception of the situation. Whether it is true of not, her example makes me want to be better - it makes me want to be so radically changed by my relationship with God that I somehow find that way to deny myself completely and take up the cross and follow Jesus to places I can't even imagine. It makes me want to take risks and make bold moves. Ultimately, it isn't her per se - it is the work of the Holy Spirit I see moving in her. Either way, I am driven to be more like Jesus and more intimate with God the Father that we share.

Hmm. Good stuff for my soul...

Side note: My mind is also on people today. I've been thinking a lot about my relationships and the type of people my spirit is naturally drawn to and why I am drawn to them. There are a few people of late that pop in my mind all the time. There has to be a reason for this or maybe part of my brain is just OCD. But, the new me is working to be open to what God is doing here by reminding me of these people. What am I doing about it? Well, I'm trying to be obedient to God and incorporate them into my life in one way or another - who knows - maybe God will bless me with some friends as a result. After all, I am "mentorless" and hopefully God won't have me keep making them up forever right? LOL. Oh, I am rambling - my brain is done for the day. Peace out peeps.

Day 119 "Boston Continued"

My mind is so full. I have had a wonderful day and God is really speaking to me. I've been brainstorming about two years on a vision that God has given me and today God has started to allow that vision to come together. It's crazy watching the pieces of the puzzle fall into place - yet extremely thrilling and motivating.

You know, God has really been using words of wisdom from my mentor in my life this week.

Today as I worked on discerning my vision, I was the only woman in the room doing so. (Talk about an opportunity to be insecure). We spent the day developing vision components and we were also to begin to rough it out. The next goal was to share it with our group. And as I stood by my representation (which was in the shape of a two foot, five petal flower), let's just say I stood out in a bright and colorful way. But, the cool thing was that I actually felt secure about it and good in my own skin. I knew that I was hearing God today and I was able to be confident and secure in that moment because God was at my side. This is a new feeling and I like it. I've overcome speaking insecurities in the past - after all this is what I feel like is my calling - but today I hit a new milestone. This time - with BM's word's still rattling strongly in my head - I was reminded that I am God's dearly beloved child. I remembered that I am one person with a unique vision who is called to represent Him to the best of my ability.

I am humbled by this opportunity to get to flesh out my ideas in an environment that enables me to make this God-sized vision a reality. Though my brain is complete mush at this hour, I am overjoyed to have the opportunity to write on here tonight. I'll write some more tomorrow. For now, I just had to get on here and acknowledge what God is doing in my life via my mentor and His strong working in me so that I can remain faithful to my project.

The verse on my mind today is Phillipians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Whether it be trusting God to teach me through this blog or trusting Him as He guides my steps in this vision planning process - I have to say, it is only with His strength that I accomplish anything at all.

Day 118 "Boston Reflections"

Today I am in good ole Boston, MA. I am getting ready for a training event here for work, but I am so very excited about it. I can't wait to see what God is going to teach me through it. I was blessed to be able to come in a day early to help set up - I love being able to contribute behind the scene - there is something about it that warms my heart. Plus, it feels good to end the day on a good note since this morning was all about me having a root canal - boo whoo. It's good in the hood - I feel blessed to have been able to get it fixed when I needed it.

Well, I know when I am writing my blog to all by bloggy friends - I know most of those friends are the other peeps that reside inside my head :O) But, in case you drop by to this post today or in the future I just want to give you a little hello today and say I hope God is blessing you!

I know this week's posts have not been particularly insightful, but I've been writing hopped up adrenaline and pain killers (for my tooth) - so I can't claim to be deep right now - s0 if you are reading...thanks for sticking with me.

So, it's been an adventurous day today and I can honestly say I am pretty tired, but God did not short me out on my mentor moment today. In October you see I will be back in Boston to hear the BFF speak to all the peeps up here. God keeps me reminding me of that like every 30 minutes or so. Does He want me to pray about it or what? So, I am. But, I can't help but let my mind wonder on what my life will be like six months from now. I'll be all done with school. This blog project will be nearing the last leg of my journey. Who knows right?

Maybe tomorrow I'll be a little clearer minded when dentist drills are not reverberating in my head :O) So right now, I am just going to be prayerful about the opportunity God is giving me to contemplate the future. I rarely am a futurist in my mind - I like living in the present - it makes me free to trust God on a daily basis. But, I know there is no harm in setting goals either. Hmm. What will life be like in 6 months? I bet me and the mentor will be drinking coffee on a regular basis by then! - you just never know LOL - there is a good shot :O) Haahah oh the dreams..... All I know is that it will be drastically different from life now. The places God takes me never ceases to amaze me.

I can say, I hope that I am feeling even more secure than I do right now. I hope I am more in love with God and I hope I am being bolder in ministry and in life. I also hope that maybe I have more insights about my journey here with BM. Wanting more direction, I went to the Word and what I can say is that I also hope to be walking more like Jesus and that I hope Phillipians 2:5 is real and relevant to my life:

Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men.

I hope that I am living like God's bondservant. BM has taught me a lot about being a bondservant via her Breaking Free study so I hope God will continue to help me learn from her example so that I can yield my heart utterly and completely.

For now, as a new wave a pain killer dizziness is setting in...I am going to do right by myself and put me to sleep! May the Lord be blessing your socks off till we meet in blogger world again.

Bye peeps.

Day 117 "Cheerful"

Is anyone cheerful? He should sing praises. James 5:15b

My heart still feels wonderful today. The adrenaline bursts I've been having are finally starting to subside a bit, but I can say I have not been able to sleep much these last three days because I have just been so incredibly happy. At some point the plan just became "I am going to lay here and talk to God until I pass out" :O) Last night I did! I don't know what time I feel asleep, but I slept till noon today! Oh mano.

This morning I feel so rested. So content. My God is so good. And you know how I said I haven't been hungry? I've lost two pounds these last couple of days - I guess all my singing and dancing around the house like a maniac is kind of a good work out LOL!

So, I was reading in James today and came across this verse. I love that it is in God's Word that we should sing praises when we are feeling cheerful. He is just so fun.

For my mentor moment today, God is still pressing home in my heart things I learned from the simulcast. One thing in particular this morning He is reminding me of is the fact that I am entitled to truth. Beth reminded us that both defeat and victory lie in the recesses of our mind. As I sit here listening, God is reminding me of the power of His Word. Nudging me to take this new found freedom and combine it with the power of who He is. So, today, I am going to work on getting back to memorizing again so that the truths in His Word really will be hidden in my heart and mind. That way as the enemy and this crazy world we live in starts to try and make me insecure again, I will have the tools I need to fight them off!

OK, I must get going - I have a lot to get done today. If you dropping by today, I hope you are well :O) Bye peeps!

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OH, and these last couple of days I have just wanted to tell as many people as possible about my experience. Today one of my shout outs made it on to my friend's blog. Her name is Karen True and she works with womensministry.net, which is such a great resource for people working in women's ministry.

Day 116 "Enrober"

Do you know what an enrobing machine is? Well, it's a machine that is used to coat things with chocolate usually - like donuts or candies. Anyway, so I sit here in the early morning hours of Monday - still unabashedly distracted by the work God is doing in my life as a result of the simulcast - it hit me that I kind of feel like I went through a God sized enrobing machine. I feel like spiritually and physically God enrobed me with His presence to such an extent that I will forever be encased in Him and the security He provides me. I can honestly say I am not just revived, I am not just experiencing a conference high, I really believe I am forever changed. I wonder - could we make Enrober and new Hebrew/Greek word for God? :O) It could work...

I am honestly so full of God right now that I even feel physically full. I have barely eaten today. I totally get how Jesus is the real Bread of Life. I am still jazzed out of my mind and sleeping or sitting still is so difficult. Am I really secure? Can I embrace anything? Well, a test came yesterday evening (or earlier however you want to look at it). I was hanging out with my mini-BFF's who are 7 and 11 (Hmm - that just made me crave a Slurpee). The 7 was going through my purse because she still thinks I am like totally cool and just loves exploring all my stuff, but anyway - so today she was looking through my purse and she saw my driver's license and said "this is an ugly picture." LOL! And you know what my first thought was? I laughed and I said, "it is isn't it? But God likes me anyway" :O) No kidding - it didn't even bother me. Oh mano, I hope these type of responses perpetuate from here on out. Bye Old Me! (And, it didn't hurt that her follow up comment was that I was actually pretty and she didn't understand the bad picture.) - Sigh - I love the honesty of my mini-BFF's.

Dude - this is ridiculous - it is just ridiculous. What could be next on God's plan for me? Honestly, if life gets any spiritually better for me who is going to possibly be able to stand being around me? I am so happy - I am kind of annoying myself :O) I conversed with God so much today that alone in my house I started cracking up at what I must look like in His eyes today. If I thought I was a nut job for making up a fake mentor to study for a year - don't even get me started on the comedic show I put on for the angels last night as I was dancing around the house.

Right now, I feel in this free world there is only one thing that stands between me and freedom that is indescribable by words - my school loans. At this juncture, they are my last remaining burden (at least that I am aware of). In 19 days those bad boys will become a cold reality, but you know I am so aware of the power of God right now that I know He has got my back. And even if I have to work my silly little fingers to the bone - and even though right now I desperately need a job - I know God will open me a door to get to work on paying those stupid suckers off. Oh heck, He might just send me an angel and do me a modern day miracle :O) Either way, I've yet to go hungry or without any need and for that I am SO BLESSED. And now all of this? I am so excited and I just can't wait to see what God is going to do. Dude, and I am not even half way through this blog project - not even a third of the way through!!!

God is answering my prayers - He is helping me to tap into the passion my mentor possess. I really believe that God can use this simple heart and mind of mine to accomplish my unique destiny. It starts in the heart of one. If it kills me I will do what it takes to be that one sold out person who loves God to such an extent that He can call me His friend.

Blogger buddies - don't be annoyed by me today. I know I am more ADD than any one person should be right now. I love you even though I don't know you. God loves us so much and you know this crazy happiness is not just for me. My mentor is crazy like me and you can be crazy like us too if you want :O) OH, the Scriptures ringing through my head today are "Rejoice in the Lord always and again I say rejoice" - Well really it is an old school song that for some reason I keep following up with an encore of "This little light of mine - I'm going to let it shine" OK - here's to trying to get these adrenaline rushes to stop - who knows with all this energy I might just catch up on all my blog postings I am behind on tonight :O)

Peace out PeepSweeks!

Jam of the Day: This Little Light of Mine by Ralph Stanley

(check it out - you won't regret it LOL)

Day 115 "Holy Simulcast"

I know that Sunday's I usually break from my BM obsession....BUT I have to write about it again...

Holy Simulcast! I really feel like now I can really say good-bye to the thought that I am not worth being used by God. Mano, this event has really rocked me to the core. God really likes me and He loves me. He has a unique ride for me and today I jumped on the roller coaster that will be my new life. I've known it, but now it is true down to the deep crevices of my heart. Is it weird that I even feel like I look different today?

I have experienced this peace and excitement in high amounts before, but there is something different now. I REALLY FEEL DIFFERENT. It isn't just in my heart. It's like every cell in my body is bursting with happiness. I FEEL A NEW LEVEL OF FREE. I feel like the me I haven't seen in a while. I feel like I should start my own crusades or something and just tell everybody about this.

I am forgiven forizzal and that sentiment by BM that there "ain't no high like a spiritual high" is coursing through my veins in a way that is indescribable. I have danced holes in my floor today :O) I was so jazzed up last night - I couldn't even sleep! This is a truth that is going to send me in a whole new direction.

I wish I could be partying with my BFF and mentor today - she must feel like totally amazing that God worked through her in such a way. But, I am sure she is also tired, so my prayer for her today is that the enemy won't attack her after in a time where she may be feeling vulnerable because her heart is so open.

Oh mano - you guys - if you are coming across my blog - it is really possible to live free from insecurity. I honestly didn't think it could happen so fast. I know I will have transitions to go through, but my God is so good and He has given me such a glimpse today of what my new life is like! OH. I just can't sit still!

PS - I know why God did not let me go to Atlanta - it was so that I could share this event with my mom. And, we got to commission each other to be secure women. What a wonderful and unexpected blessing!

Peace out my peeps.

Song of the Day: I Like Me by Kirk Franklin

Day 114 "Good-bye Old Me"

I wish I had words for my day today. God blessed me so much. The long awaited So Long Insecurity Conference finally arrived. I knew this moment would change me - after all haven't I been building up to this moment since January 1st? But, as I sit here - working to pull myself together - I can't say I thought I would be changed this much.

I knew when God led me to learn from BM that He we was going to do some profound things in my life. And, if you have been reading my blog, you know there have been many days where it has been a struggle to stick to it. But today, as I was a part of a group of 300,000 women from 869 churches across America, my life turned in a new direction. God spoke through Beth in such a way that the truth of His Word struck me to the core. I believe He intends all of us to live secure without the crushing weight of doubt and fear that plagues us through insecurity. We truly have a choice to be new creations in Christ. We have the right through Christ's sacrifice on the cross to know and believe that God forgives us despite ourselves. We are granted security by our Father God in heaven, we just have to accept it.

Today she told us that secure women is....

Saved from herself

Entitled to truth

Clothed with intention

Upended by grace

Rebounded by love

Exceptional in life

BM reminded us that insecurity is not a weakness - it is simply the result of our unbelief that we are who God says we are. Victory and defeat lie in the recesses of our mind and we must open our ears to our Father (Jeremiah 9:20) & recognize our individual callings (Ephesians 4:17-24). We have to be willing to put off our old self and put on the new self and live as the exceptional women that God intends us to be.

Our transformation toward security can be a painful process. God refines us and heals us from the inside out. The glory of the process is realized when the six sentiments from above ring true in our lives. We are saved from our narcissistic tendencies of being obsessed about ourselves. We recognized that we are entitled to the truth that God teaches us in His Word. It is real - it is active - it is relevant to our lives. We are to intentionally cloth ourselves by recognizing and trusting in the power that is beyond ourselves. We are to wake up and deliberately choose to believe in the security we have in God until those thoughts become actions that change our hearts and minds forever. We need to be upended by grace. As BM says, "Grace takes up the space in a secure woman." The concept is that we have to be forgiving to be secure. We are to remember the grace w receive at the throne, draw near to the cross, and give and forgive and love every person who comes into our life. To do this we need to remember that we are rebounded by love and live like the dearly loved child we are. The heart that does not heal - hardens. We must recognize that if we do not love, we gain nothing.

Last, we are to live an exceptional life. Due to the fact that we are created in the image of God, we are each exceptional. We are unique. We each have a calling. What we must do is be secure in God and let Jesus overtake us. It is a choice. We either remember what He teaches us and live securely or we let our culture and the enemy degrade us to point that we are meaningless and useless. We live with the hope we have in Jesus. And we are ready when people asks us why we are different.

For me, I chose to be secure from this day forward. I chose to say good-bye to the old me! It seems to simple to really be a reality. But doesn't salvation seem too simple? Isn't that just a sentiment of our heart? Yet, some how the choice changes us forever. We are new Christ. And with the truths that I learned today I realize that I am not only new in Christ - I am complete in Christ. If I truly believe in Him, then I must truly believe that I am capable of living without the burden of insecurity for the rest of my life.

Amen? I hope this rings true to you blog friends. I don't know when God will have you drop by and come across this post - but I pray it changes your heart like it did mine. It is hard to sum of four hours of amazing teaching, but things are the things on my heart that emerge right now. Many blessings too you. Talk to you soon peeps.

Song of the Day: Awesome God by R-Swift

Day 113 "Insight 3"

I am sitting here on my couch - I am feeling God's presence with me - speaking through His Word to my heart. The question of "Why Beth Moore?" weaving in and out of my thoughts still today. And here in the quietness of my home, I feel Him nudging me to understand, "If you want to be the best, you have to study the best." The cool thing about this revelation is that it does not simply apply to my mentorship like journey here with Beth Moore. It also applies to my relationship with God my Father. His Word represents the best picture of what I can become if I truly trust in His promises, His security, His providence. My role is to take the time to get to know Him, to learn from Him, to be more obsessed with Him then anything else in life. If I do that - He promises that He will guide my path and guide me in the direction He would have me go, which is a place of peace, happiness, and knowing that I am doing what God intends me to do with my life.

Because BM was so on my mind today - I started by watching one of her segments on LifeToday - this was a DVR version so I have no idea the title or the date so I can't give you a scholarly way to go and find this message yourself. But, I can say today she was talking on the "Bread of Life." She developed why Jesus is our bread of life, but what stood out to me was a comment that every detail in the Bible is significant.

Anyway, once my brain was a little more awake it led me straight to my favorite place - snuggled up somewhere nice with some version of God's Word. Today, I chose a version that I don't often go too, the Message. I felt like reading more conversationally today, but anyway - so I was in Romans. I was so contemplative yesterday about God - my heart's cry was for Him to give me insight as to why in the world He would want to use me as a servant for Him to speak and teach His Word. Here is one of many things He spoke to me from Romans 4:4-5:

But if you see the job is to big for you, that it's something only God can do, and you trust him to do it - you could never do it yourself no matter how hard and long you worked - well, that trusting-him-to-do-it is what gets you set right with God, by God.

Oh this speaks to me this morning. I know that God has put a clear call on my life. I am His completely and I will serve Him however He asks me to. If one day I really will become a full time vocational speaker who motivates others to be passionate about God - then so be it. I can't do it on my own. I am no one special. But if it is God's will then so be it. For now, I am to continue to pursue knowledge that will allow me to represent Him to the best of my ability. I am to remain teachable and continue to learn from whomever God asks me too. And that is what leads me back to my mentor - God has asked me to study the best. Right now, she is a physical manifestation on this earth of someone who is doing their best to honor and serve God with her whole heart. She isn't perfect - none of us are - but God clearly has something to teach me through her. And, more importantly God is showing me how a life can be transformed by an obsession with His word.

So that is my insight today. Like my mentor I want to be obsessed with the Word. I want to learn from the Word. I want to know the Word to the best of my ability. I want to be so consumed by it that it changes me - that it transforms me to such an extent that the only thing that brings me ultimate pleasure is talking about how amazing our big, holy, awesome God is.

Anyway peeps. If you happen to come across my blog today - leave me a note. I realize I am a bit behind on posting my journey. I blame school. It will be over in 21 days from now. God has restored my passion toward to project and I am working to feel in the blanks of the journey that has yet to be posted. Be well friends and thanks for stopping by :O)

Day 108 "Exponential Conference"

Today has been a great day. We finished up the whole chapter of Genesis at church today. I can hardly believe that we have been learning about this book of the Bible for two years - no part of it was ever boring. The stories in there are like nothing I have experienced and they really worked to mold me into someone who has a deeper appreciation of biblical context.

Anyway, I am also packing to leave for a conference in Florida called "Exponential Conference." It is a church planting conference, but it is a conference that changes you from the inside out. I went last year and it really compelled me to have a deeper vision and a greater ambition to let God mold me and my vision from the inside out. So this is my shout out today. If you want inspiration to go out and change the world for Christ (whether you start new churches or not) this is a conference you will want to attend at least once in your life.

So there is my Sunday shout out for the week. I hope you were blessed today peeps!

Day 107 "Published"

Today is such an amazing day. I don't have a lot to say because it really is so surreal. My journey with Beth has mostly revolved around finishing my Master's Thesis. I have kept you updated on my journey, but today the final link in the chain has been completed. The thesis is published and now people can use my research to advance their own. I never thought this day would happen. God alone got me to this place. This project could not have been done without Him. Here it is, hopefully the link will work:

"Discovering the Vision in Beth Moore's "Breaking Free" Message: Applying Bormann's Fantasy Theme Analysis to Evaluate the Message."

It's a research paper, but there are some cool things in there you might be interested in if you want to know more about BM.

How do I feel? Well here is part of an email I sent to a new friend as I was thanking Him for His contributions:

It feels weird that I am finished because in one way or another this has been in my life for the last three years. I cannot say that it is perfect, but I can say that I did my best to honor God with the project. He has taught me so much through this process. He even used Beth as a mentor in my life (which is weird to say since I have never actually met her :O) But, I want you to know - He used you too. I thank you in my acknowledgements because God used you too.... your contribution inspired me to get up and going again after a time where the enemy was really discouraging me and pushing me to give up. Though I am not sure that the content of it will necessarily benefit anyone's life besides my own. I am certain that God used it to mold me into a person who is completely sold out to pursing God utterly & completely with every last piece of my heart. I am more sure of my calling now and more in love with God. So with all that, I guess you could say I am just feeling so happy right now. And I am looking forward to what lies ahead on my journey with God. Like Beth often says, 'it's a wild ride.' I can't wait for the adventure ahead.

This email is but a brief representation of my feelings. But it also shows you the state of my heart and how grateful I am to the people who encouraged me along the way and to my God who loves me so much. In many ways, I feel free as a bird - in other ways I wonder that since I no longer have a scholarly reason to follow BM if I am not going to be classified as a stalker LOL. But, nonetheless, this part of my journey with Beth is over.

I don't know what lies ahead for me peeps, but I can say this: if the enemy is trying to convince you that you are incapable of doing what God has called you to do -IGNORE HIM. The road is not easy and there are many good reasons to give up on the things God is asking you to do in life - but trust me when I say God will bless you beyond belief if you stick with Him and give Him the glory. He will give you the strength to be persistent. He will give you courage. And most importantly, He will be patient with you.

Day 106 "Bummer Dude - no SLI ATL for me"

Oh mano. You will not believe the email I received today. After months of praying, a woman finally contacted me about a ticket to the So Long Insecurity event in Atlanta. I was both excited and bummed all at the same time. With it so close though I would have needed to see a God size financial miracle in my life today. As a missionary - an $800 last minute plane ticket just isn't on the agenda. But, I believe my God is big and you better know I prayed every moment for a miracle to happen! I even considered playing the lottery LOL (not really). But God must have something bigger for me that day - His will wasn't a plane ticket today. You know what though? He blesses me all the time so I really can't complain. He just must have something for me at the simulcast in West Haven, CT.

Anyway, it reminded me that a few weeks ago when I was at my commissioning service - I jokingly took a few pictures so that I could pretend like I was at the event. Oh and to practice for the event God will have me do there one day of course! :O) haha. Anyway, though not all the pictures from my iPhone photo shoot are flattering - I am working to be more secure now so I will share some of them with you anyway :O)

This is the church that it will be at:

Here is me making Johnny Hunt's (pastor) cardboard cut out look a bit cooler

(my preference would have been a Yankees/Rangers or Astros attire):

This is me standing where my BFF will be speaking:

This is me getting the SLI audience warmed up

(I doubt she will be behind this podium though - she always brings her own - I am almost willing to put money on that fact - Sigh... I hope I am cool like that one day):

This will be one of her perspectives from stage - except full of people :O)

OH - AND you know that I had to know what the president of the Southern Baptist Convention and thousands per week pastor keeps in his pulpit.... SOOOO

Want to know?

HMM> I thought there would be more than scraps of paper, a few bits of trash, a number two pencil and anointing oil - I learn something new every day LOL. This I won't soon forget however :O)

Well, anyway, it was fun that day being able to pray ahead for my mentor and what she will accomplish on that stage in a few weeks. And though I won't actually be sitting there - it was sure fun praying that it could happen :O)