Day 151 "Memorial Day"

I woke up this morning around 9:30 and was ready to clean house - mainly b/c I thought I was going to have company today. Around 10am I watched a parade out my window. I can't say that I have ever experience that before! But, this town I live in now is really old and I live on "Main Street" (literally). And, well all it was was old cars and brownie troops - but it was cool nonetheless.

I didn't have visitors - BOO - so I went to play golf because the weather was INSANE and absolutely perfect for it. Then, I went to a friends house for an impromptu BBQ. My idea :O) - I needed to celebrate with somebody - I do not like being alone on holidays - it feels wrong. So I found me a fake family and had some fun LOL.

The coolest thing about today was a telephone visit with my aunt. Wow. God used her to totally encourage me. She was all about how God has changed me, God has big plans for me, and by the way totally convinced that I should send my resume to LPL. HAHAHA. Not that I wouldn't love that, but come on really?? I don't think I would feel secure having someone working with me who has studied my life for three years LOL - let alone writing a blog that makes it clear that everyday for a year I am going to write about her. So, unless she calls - I think I will hold steady on not pursuing that one for now LOL.

Well speaking of the future BFF. Here is my Word for the day, again from A Heart Like His:

If you aspire to greater authority, you must accept the greater accountability that goes with it (41)

And...

We dare not minimize disobedience to God (41)

Considering my calling, I take this directly to heart. I can't say that I am aspiring to great authority, but I can say that I feel like God is having me come to terms with the possibility of it. The thing that scares me most about what God is possibly asking me to do is that I have no one in my life to keep me accountable. TRUST ME. I would love to have someone I could share my life with. Thus far, I move to much to have it. And, right now, the only strong Christians near me are my parents and well that is just not the same. However, I see this as a weakness and I am trying to find ways to keep myself accountable before God (like this blog) and I am praying for someone to come along who can nudge me here and there and who can take hearing about my life without getting overwhelmed by it.

Second, it puts this whole disobedience thing into perspective. I work so hard not to be disobedient. But in times like these where the pressure is so great - it is VERY difficult. And sometimes, I just have to sit still and do nothing for awhile until I can relax. But seriously, the ideas in my head this week are CRAZY. I know we aren't meant to work every second of every day, but Mano - finding balance is difficult.

Anyway, I am not really in a writing mood today. Three more days till I get to share this ministry concept God has given me with a friend. The pressure is building. I am working to remain strong and steady in God.

You peeps are awesome. Thanks for sticking with me.

Day 150 "Peaceful"

Well, it is Sunday and pretty much always my favorite day of the week. I just wanted to make mention of the fact that the peace from yesterday has carried on to this morning.

As the day progressed though and I dropped my dad off at the airport to go be with my mom in Texas, I suppose I feel a little abandoned LOL. I wish I could go to Texas too. I need to be with family. But, as much is that is what I want, God needs me to have alone time with Him.

I am just full of emotion today - but still optimistic. I have to say though, as much as I fight it, I am kind of terrified by life right now. I just keep reciting the promise "Don't be afraid" "Don't be afraid" - I am not afraid b/c I can't go to Texas. God has me alone a lot in life so I am kind of use to it by now. I am just scared of what is ahead. I'm nervous to pursue what is in front of me - like sharing this vision God has given me with others - but it will come together.

I still feel calm. I know God wants me to work to continue to renew my mind - focus on His Plan - His Words - but I can't deny a good part of me feels right on the edge of insanity. But, I have a clear prayer on my heart:

Lord, You are my Everything. You are the only one worth living for. You hear my heart cry. You see the desperation in my heart to be fully Yours. You know my heart. You know my pain. YOU KNOW ME. God, I am so grateful that you love me. I am so grateful you choose to bless me. God forgive me for I fail You so often. Forgive me for feeling so lonely. Wrap me in Your arms Father. Immerse every one of my cells in You. Make me Yours. Use me to glorify Your name exponentially. Give me ears to hear and wisdom to discern. Speak to me. Make Your plan clear. Use me. Thank you for loving me despite myself. Bless me with many days to serve You. Though I long to be with you - my heart will happily serve You here until You are done with me. I love you. Amen.

And that ends my peaceful day. The only other thing I did besides pray today was watch a Hallmark movie about Lois Wilson, founder of Alcoholics Anonymous. You should watch this it is very good. And, then I also watched Dear John.

Bye Peeps.

Day 149 "Never Give Up"

I am consumed with the most peaceful feeling. Today, is gorgeous and I felt compelled to sit, chill and hear a word from God. I sat in a camp chair under a huge tree and just committed to it. I listened to a few songs on my iPhone and then felt compelled to listen to one of my favorite messages of all time, The God of All Encouragement by Jerry Falwell. God always brings this around to me when I need it. It speaks so clearly to my soul. I pick up something different from it every time. The essence is we aren't about our talent, wealth, or abilities - we are only as good as what it takes to discourage us.

You know, I don't disagree. the thing I am most grateful for in life is my God-given ability to persevere. To fail, but to get up and keep going again. This is God in me. I've prayed He would take me home to heaven many times. But, His will is that I remain here away from my true home for awhile. I am willing. I am driven by Him to greatness, I simply pray that I am able to submit to Him fully and completely so that I can do the work He has for me. I like days like today when I am aware of His beauty and can just sit smack dab in the middle of it and enjoy it. I like sensing that though I feel clueless and disillusioned, everything is going to be OK.

Like Job says, "Though he slay me, I trust in Him." If can't live this too, there really is no point. No doubt I still have remnants of insecurities. But step by step - God will help me overcome. I am just working to get in shape physically and spiritually and THIS IS WAY HARDER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. I want to be able to offer the best version of myself as a vessel for His work you know?

So, it is crazy how peaceful I feel today. I mean really, I can't describe it. It's like I am aware of God's awareness of me. I know He knows all my troubles - I truly trust Him with it all. I don't know what He's cookin', but for now, I resign to enjoy the rest and look forward to what is ahead with Him. I sense I am in the perfect place with Him. For the most part I am alone - I have nothing - but I have my God. I'd rather this then be without my God inside me.

God confirmed this "Never Give Up" themed message for today through my friend's blog as well. It was about how leaders are not suppose to give up. And, in my mentor moment reminded me (through A Heart Like His) of the destructive side of being more aware of myself than God:

Self-consciousness constitutes the opposite of God-consciousness (37).

And this verse:

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ (Gal 1:10)

Hmm. This has truly been an interesting day. It makes me aware that something is coming. I don't know what, but life is on a path for big change that is what I know......

Peace out for now peeps.

Day 148 "Look to the Master"

I am ready just to jump right into my mentor moment today:

Often when God does not readily give us what we want, it s because He knows what our desire will cost us. Faith sometimes means forgoing our desires because we trust Christ to have a better plan for our lives (33).

Amen. I could say this is a good word God led me to today. I just have this yearning, this wanting in my heart. For nothing in particular, except to know God's will for what I am suppose to do next with my life. Today, I am accomplishing nothing in particular, but in my time with BM I was reminded that:

God often uses the practical to lead to the spiritual (33).

And...

I find it interesting that God wants us so much that He can bring us to Himself even when we think we're going somewhere else. Never forget the mundane can lead to the miraculous (34).

Hahaha. So, I guess I can know that with my life today, though filled with nothing in particular, will benefit me spiritually in the end :O). But seriously, I want to be a part of something miraculous and know it you know? Wouldn't that be cool? I mean our births are pretty miraculous, but I just loving be aware of God working around me you know? It's cool.

And finally:

A person with godly humility looks to the Master. He or she neither exalts nor denigrates self, because to do either is to make self the center of our universe. When we're really serving Christ, our reputations and abilities simply cease to be so important. We must decrease so He can increase (34).

Yep. I really am trying to wrap my head around this godly humility, but it isn't easy. I tend to have low esteem despite my ability to fake it. I know that does not honor God, which is why I am doing my best to take this battle with insecurity seriously. But, just like it says here, to really serve, I have to be willing to put aside me so that God can work through me. I'll strive for this till I get there.

For now, I have to jet. Later peeps.

Day 147 "Aware but Unaware"

Today has been a really good day so far. I have to say that though whatever God is bringing me through is difficult - I will be the better for it. I'm really beginning to think it has to be spiritual warfare to an extent. Many of the same feelings that emerged for me during my thesis are resurfacing. It almost feels like I am having a nervous breakdown. But, I sense God here with me, guiding me through it. I suppose it is related to the fact that I am writing again on a project that God would have me do - just like my thesis. As I work to honor God with this, it helps to know that my heart is still attuned to submitting to God fully.

The biggest blessing for today: No more cavities :O) I have one last visit, but I am on the home stretch with this round of dental work :O). The last visit is to help me a bit with my front teeth, a thorn in my side for many years. I am a bit freaked out cause I don't want to look even worse LOL. The timing of it is kind of cool. It's something I have wanted fixed so long and now that it is happening, I kind of really sense that God is just rewarding me for getting to this point in life.

I am also encouraged by my friend Chris's blog today b/c it was based on James 1:2-5:

Consider it great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing. Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives to all generously and without criticizing, and it will be given to him.

You know, I can say I feel joyful about what I'm going through, even though I don't like being exposed to the worst parts of myself. But, the benefit I suppose is God is cleaning out my heart and helping me draw closer to Him. I sense God wanting to teach me the value of praying without ceasing no matter how I feel: lonely, scared, overjoyed. It's like He wants to just be present and share my life with Him.

There are times when I wonder if I am losing ground spiritually. Maybe that is what maturity is, being aware of how unaware we are. Maybe deepening our relationship with God is not about becoming more independent in our walk, but more dependent on Him. Interesting to me that worldly maturity is the exact opposite - we are more mature as we become independent.

I am most encouraged by the fact that God is willing to give us wisdom when we ask for it. Having just cried again last night before Him - I like that He hears my prayers. God is having me be so vulnerable with Him right now, it is kind of crazy. But look, today He provided me this encouragement in James. Awesome. I am just working to trust God more. Be more aware. Like with this whole BM mentor situation - I'm just going with it. And wouldn't you know all this led me right into my mentor moment from A Heart Like His:

What should you do when God has called you but you don't know what to do next? I certainly can't take the Spirit's job, but here's a good principle: Keep studying God's Word and listening to His voice; but while you're listening, take care of the responsibilities He has given you. Looking back at years of ministry, I see that God often used that small faithfulness to accomplish more than the great things of which we dream (29).

Wow. I know. God using her to directly speak to my need again. That's all I am saying. This trend is why I started this project to begin with - I needed to have a way to document these crazy moments of spot on connectedness with my mentor. Anyway, I hope you are working to be more aware of God in your life too. It isn't easy, but 29 years in, I can say it has been worth it.

Day 146 "Hot Busy Bee"

The benefit of not having a job that takes up more than 1o -15 hours of my life a week is that I am pretty free. The best benefit right now is that God is allowing me to catch up on some sleep. My mind is better for it today. After last night - I needed to just let God heal me in my dream world - so no alarms - and I slept till noon. Lovely.

The heat is kicking in in New England. My apartment today got up to a non-refreshing 90 degrees!! I've been cooking and cleaning and well if you saw me now you may think that I had just finished a Jillian Michaels workout or something LOL. I have just been working to keep busy, which helps me get my mind to calm down. I know God is with me - I just need to find a way to be aware of what God is doing as I search for ways to be quiet and listen to Him.

To thank me for a great dinner, my dad did bring me over an extra AC he had! So, the day has continued to get better. This evening in my quiet time I started reading this book called Rescuing Ambition by Dave Harvey. I picked it up a few weeks ago, but I really like it and would recommend it thus far.

What I am realizing through life right now is that when I don't feel God is super present in my life - I kind of crash emotionally. Really the crash comes after God uses me as a vessel to do His bidding - especially like after I speak or something like that. I am so filled with His presence during those moments, the next day pales in comparison. For the most part, I always feel God, but I can't say I don't long for the spiritual high associated with when He is coursing through my veins. When it tapers off, it makes me feel like I have done something wrong. Anyway, right now I am just super obsessed with selling out my heart to God, its hard because I kind of feel like I am failing at it.

Really, I know this uncertainty revolves around an upcoming meeting I am kind of stressed about. I am really excited about it, but I kind of don't want to come across as a lunatic either. Worse case scenario, I make a fool of myself and I come back home. I know I just feel overwhelmed because this idea/vision God has given me is beyond me. Yet, I believe God wants me to advocate for it. All I can really do is trust it and hope that He makes the path clear and speaks too to me in the moments that matter.

I guess what it boils down to is that I am so in love with God right now that I wonder if I am verging on insanity. Like, I am totally obsessed. I get the jitters when He isn't with me moment by moment LOL. I can be shy and don't really feel eloquent, so when He gives me these big ideas I am all like, "Are you tuned into the right person with this message?" :O) Oh well, it will come together in His timing, which leads me to my mentor moment from A Heart Like His:

God commands us to make Him our absolute priority (26).

Yes, this speaks to my need today. The power of God to know I need to know I am not crazy :O) I do need to make Him my absolute priority, but I need to make sure I am not making it up as I go along too. I like how later BM mentions this fresh word of caution:

Have you ever wanted a certain answer from God so desperately that you consciously or subconsciously tried to "rig" the results? Reading things into the answer that just weren't there? Grabbing the first thing out of someone's mouth as your answer? I think we all have. It's easy to do, but it invariably leads to pain because we end up claiming a promise or a position God never gave us (27).

I can see how this is very relevant to my life right now. I am starting a new project. Praying for a new job. Desperately wanting to be smack dab in the middle of God's will. But, I need to be cautious. I need to be aware that I am not distracted by my desires or the "Angel of Light" who would seek to distract me. All this being said lead me to where I am at for today. I am on alert to hear God, but making sure that I am not making up words He is saying to me that He isn't. That ought to be easy right? LOL.

Peace out peeps.

Day 145 "My God is Big"

Hmm. Some days when I read over my blog I am amazed that I have finished graduate school. It would seem that my enthusiasm and grammar capabilities are not in sync on the same days :O) LOL. That's OK with me though. It's my authentic self and reminds me I am not perfect - even though at times I wish Jesus would share that amazing skill with me :O)

Today I was just bee bopping along in life. I woke up and went to the dentsit - yep - AGAIN. One reason I suppose is I want to send a dentist on vacation. Another reason could be I want my dentist to be my BFF (which is true). Or maybe I just drink to much soda. All in all - going to the dentist seems like a life hobby for me.

Hopped up on anesthesia, I thought it would be a good idea to go antique auctioning with my dad - it was fun for the first four hours - by hour six I felt less enthusiastic about it :O) He is doing this as a side business right now and also teaching me about my heritage. Did I mention history is not my thing LOL? But, I do love spending time with Him.

Tonight though, I can't say the enthusiasm has continued. I am embarrassed by how up and down my emotions are right now. I am thankful that no one is around to see my fluctuations. I'm truly committed to coming to terms with who God wants me to become. But once again, I am confronted with how painful the refining process is. I've asked Him to make me His - but mano - it's amazing how certain circumstances can drive us into the darkest deeps of the worse parts of ourself. I'm not depressed, I'm just confronted with others pain today. The empathy I feel toward that situation just makes my heart break. I know God is in control of all the situations in my life, but there are moments when life just hits me dead between the eyes and I can hardly wrap my mind around it.

My God is so big. Even in the darkness, I know my God is big. I know He is there with me. I know He is refining me & the people around me. I must continue not to doubt Him and trust in His promise that He will not put me through more than I can handle. I must continue to submit to Him and let Him work into the depths of my soul because nothing in this world makes me happier. God is the only thing that makes life worth living. Though my heart aches and my feelings are numb - I will keep my heart and mind focused on Him.

I don't know how I will come out on the other side of this refining, but I'm grateful to have God care enough about me to make me stronger and closer to Him. He knows me and He knows my concerns. Greater things have yet to come. Greater things still need to be done. All I can do is hope He will use this willing soul to contribute to His plan. Though I may fail at life - at least I can do my best to not fail at loving Him completely.

My mentor moment is brief and still from A Heart Like His: "Even in her bitterness of soul and great weeping, she made her vow to God with steadfast determination to fulfill it" (18). This is talking about the story of Hannah the Hebrew mother of Samuel who had trouble giving birth and who later gave her son up at an early age to be raised in the house of God. The story is in 1 Samuel, but the moral for me today is to remember how important it is for me to remain steadfast to the vow I made to God to serve Him with my life. I must remain determined to work towards fulfilling my call.

My heart prayer comes from Psalm 6 today. I won't include it all but look at a few of these verses:

Be gracious to me, Lord, for I am weak; heal me, Lord, for my bones are shaking; my whole being is shaken with terror...I am weary from my groaning; with my tears I dampen my pillow and drench my bed every night. My eyes are swollen from grief...The Lord has heard my plea for help; the Lord accepts my prayer.

Amen. So let it be peeps. May God's blessings be upon you today.

Song of the Day: My Desire by Jeremy Camp

Day 144 "Free As a Bird"

My spirits are soaring today. I woke up in the best mood. I suppose God is choosing to bless me this morning. I so poured my heart out to Him last night and today I feel free as a bird. I had some breakfast and just worked in my house. Everything is officially spring cleaned - except for my office. That office is just tricky to me right now. I have to figure out what I am going to do in there and it just hasn't quite been right since I moved in to this apartment. I am sure I will get some divine inspiration on the matter soon enough.

I was blessed to visit with one of my friends today and overall I have just been excited all day. I did my 5K training and just hung out overall - but really this optimism is what I have missed in recent days - God is good. I am so thankful to have the tools I need to Break Free when I am feeling down. I have to give my mentor a bit of credit for that. Studying Breaking Free for three years really has cemented a lot of God's principles in my head. I am so grateful for that.

OK. On to the God inspired mentor moment for the day. I am still revealing in A Heart Like His. Today I am most encouraged by the reminder that we all come with a back story. "Some of us come with a heritage of faith and faithfulness. Some of us come with the testimony of God's ability to rescue us from terrible circumstances" (12). I suppose for me - both are true. My dad became a Christian when I was three. He was called to the ministry not long after that. So, I've been blessed to live in a family that seeks God no matter the cost. I can't say that has been true for all of my extended family - they often can't wrap their head around my parents call to full time ministry. And now that the call is my own - this adds to their wonderment. They just think I should move home to Texas and get a good job. But, they are coming around to how God is working in my life and my parents life.

But truly, we all have a back story. I grew up naive for the most part. I moved every 6 months on average so I never had time to really acclimate to a group of friends with whom I could get into any trouble with. Also, God had me wrapped tight in His arms and aware of His goodness and purpose for my life. All was good until my junior year of high school. I was always kind of bummed when we moved, but I always embraced God's will of the moment. After my junior year though, when my parents moved from North Carolina to New Hampshire I developed my first crack. I didn't know it at the time, but I ignored how hard that was on me emotionally. Let's just say if you ignore your emotions - that will come back to get you later. But that story is for another time. Now, I have come full circle. Ten years of accepting my call and seeking God's face I can say that I feel more free than I have in my entire life.

God is so good. I am so thankful for His hand on my life. I'm thankful for this mentor He has provided me. I would like to close today with Psalm 3:3-5:

You, Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, and the One who lifts up my head. I cry aloud to the Lord, and He answers me from His holy mountain. I lie down and sleep; I wake again because the Lord sustains me.

Peace out my peeps.

Day 143 "Get Ready - Be Still"

I am feeling pretty wordy today, but my post won't really reflect it. I was sitting here thinking on how blessed I feel. I honestly can't ignore the fact that God is really good to me. Others may not think so, but the contentedness I feel with my life is not describable by words. The only bummer is that I have seemingly been an emotional wreck this last week. Beth's Get Out of that Pit book has been on my mind as I have tried to figure out what is the cause of the in and out moments of despair I have felt. It's the strangest thing and after many days of being on my knees before God I have narrowed it down to mostly being spiritual warfare. Bummer.

I know I have a lot of stressors in my life right now. I have concerns for certain family members. I wonder if I am living in God's will. There is that whole job situation. But all in all what I am hearing from God is "Get Ready" and "Be Still" - that is a strange combination don't you think? Well, I do. What do I get ready for? Well, I don't know. But after much prayer on the matter I can say that God just wants me to get in the best spiritual and physical shape I possibly can. So - onward with the 5K training I guess and onward into my study of the Word - I'll keep you posted on my progress.

I know God is working in me and answering my prayers. I've asked Him to make me 100% His - I suppose there is a lot of emotion involved in that as well. The thoughts that have been in my head this week are just insane. Let's just say if you ask God to clean you out mind, body and soul - He will do it. Right now, I suppose I am just trying to survive His holy scrubbing process. I suppose the best way to describe it is to say - God has made it clear to me the purpose of BM's Praying God's Word - there are just times when Scripture is the only thing that can speak our heart and the only thing that can keep us sane.

The last thing I really have to say about it all is that I feel God is working in my life. I am both excited and fearful. I have a hard time sitting still. I'm totally obsessed with God and it seems I am thinking about Him every moment of every day. I know that is a good thing, but I guess it is just a lot to process. Overall, I suppose God is answering my prayer to be more aware of Him then I am myself. And, well - I just have to trust He will give me the discernment I need to do what I should.

I am still working through A Heart Like His. My mentor moment is simple: "Never assume that to follow Him means to throw away who He has made you to be" (11). That really drives this home doesn't it? Today, I am wrapped up in determining what parts of me to keep and what parts to let go so I can be the person God intends me to be.

David says it best in Psalm 4:

Know that the Lord has set apart the faithful for Himself; the Lord will hear when I call to Him. Be angry and do not sin; on your bed, reflect in your heart and be still. Offer sacrifices in righteousness and trust the Lord.

Amen. I just need to recognize that I am faithful. I need to know that God hears me when I call to Him. I need to reflect in my heart and be still. Most importantly - TRUST THE LORD.

Thanks for spending time with me peeps.

Day 142 "Still No Holy Land"

Golf has alluded me these last few weeks. But today....I FINALLY GOT TO PLAY. I wish I could put into words this new obsession I have with it. When you spend a number of years being confused by something and even years making fun of others passion about it - it is kind of like culture shock to the system to be in love with a game that has only been a part of my life less than a year. It is kind of like getting your first dose of the Holy Spirit after salvation - once you get a taste you are hooked for life :O) LOL. Granted, golf does not make me as happy as Jesus does - but when I am out in 72 degree weather on the most gorgeous day in complete awe of creation and God's love for me I can honestly say it is a good experience.

Anyway, so the BFF has still not invited me to the Holy Land LOLOLOL. I was out playing golf today and I had my cell phone so what is up with that? Well, I suppose we would have to talk in order for her to be inspired divinely to invite me LOL. But, I will admit that I secretly hope that one of her staff would get sick (not real sick just like you know I can't travel sick) and then God would send an angel to her like the one who talked to Mary and was all like "Take April, I want her to be blessed with a trip to the Holy Land with you." LOL. It could happen :O) And I would go without hesitation - after all, I still don't have a job :O) My God is big and I am just optimistic enough to think it could be a reality :O) I am convinced I will be a part of a miracle sometime soon - so it could be this - you just never know LOL.

Being outside under the sunshine uplifts my spirits if you can't tell. This uplift was needed b/c instead of playing golf yesterday I went auctioning with my Dad for like six hours. It was fun, but playing golf is better ;O)

On to what I learned from the BFF in A Heart Like His:

I read the chapter on taking God for granted. This one gets my engines good and fired up because I am surrounded by people in New England who live just like those described in the chapter. So much in fact that I am too wound up to really write about it. One sentiment that I found most refreshing was, "God commands us to make Him our absolute priority." (26) I am so there. I seriously want God to have His proper place in my life - I hope you do too. God says if we seek Him we will find Him. I don't just want to find Him - I want to know Him and I want Him to be exactly who He is supposed to be in my mind and in my life.

I've been contemplating this a lot lately. Even before reading this today. I know we are all called to serve God in different capacities - but I just don't get why people don't include an obsession with God as a prerequisite to their vocational callings. Think about it. If everyone was equally obsessed with serving God in their day to day tasks - what would that look like? I don't know, but I do know I will do my best to convince people of the benefit of God in their life. (Imagine what I would be like after a trip to the Holy Land LOL). Anyway, I am fired up right now. So, I better go and use this passion to prepare for church tomorrow.

Peace out my peeps. I will talk to you soon.

I am the Lord your God who teaches you for your benefit, who leads you in the way you should go. If only you had paid attention to My commands. Then your peace would have been like a river, and your righteousness like the waves of the sea.

- Isaiah 48:17-18

Day 141 "5K"

Well, I can say it is a bit annoying having to make a journey every time I need to be on the internet. I have been spoiled with my connectedness to the world. I am most inspired in the late evening hours - and well - there are just not many places safe for posting at such an hour. Apparently, my landlord permanently disengaged his office internet. I figured after his passing that his wife would do that eventually - but bummer for me. Isn't that selfish LOL? But, I enjoyed it while it lasted. Right now, I am just trying to wait on a few things to balance out in life before I pick up an internet bill. But, thank goodness for nearby parents who are advanced enough to have Wi-Fi :O) (They can thank me for that :O)

Today has been a good day. I committed to God that I would work to get my physical health in order once I survived graduation. I took those first steps today as I committed to train for a 5K. (I hope I don't regret this choice) I want to be able to do it by August sometime. I am not nor have I ever been a runner. I am short and I am fast, but distance has never been my forte. Combine that with being a bit out of shape and well this idea seems a bit overwhelming. But wouldn't you know - there is an iPhone app for that! LOL. So, I downloaded it and it says I will be a 5K runner in 9weeks. OK....we will see :O) I made it through the first work out - so that is a good sign. I forget about the endorphin high after running. I haven't had much time for exercise besides golf these last two months b/c school has had to be an obsession. But MANO running today sent me off the charts. I am almost as wound up as I was after the Insecurity Simulcast. I am starting to think that it might not be best for me to have a physical high and spiritual high at the same time - I may never sleep!! :O) J/k.

OK. I realize this is entry is too journal like so let me get into what God taught me through Wanda today :O). I have wanted to write that since I started my blog. Did you know that was BM first name? I about died when I discovered it. I'm not making fun, I love the uniqueness of it - but seriously I want to know the story of that. Did she ever go by that name? Or was it just there to honor somebody. Mano, I hope to find out some day. Such a southern name - or maybe not - maybe it is Mid-western - either way - I bet there is a story. As you can see, my mind is ADD today - I blame it on the 5K training :O)

OH. And since I am being random. I just found out my BFF is going to the Holy Land. Can you believe she did not call me up and invite me to come along? Hmph. :O) If she was a good mentor she would know that I had an unused passport waiting on such an opportunity. I got it three years ago. I've never had the money to go anywhere, but I figured I would get it so that if God ever wants He can just blow my mind with and opportunity to leave America the Beautiful. She leaves in a couple days - there is still time for her to invite me :O) I will let you know if she does. haha - can you imagine? I would die.

On to the insight from A Heart Like His:

First, I was reminded that we all have a back story. I like learning about David and how he became a man after God's own heart. That has always been a goal of mine - I hope one day God helps me to achieve it. A couple of other things that stood out to me were the reminder to be determined and steadfast regarding our vows to God (Hannah served as an example of this). And, remember that God is always willing to recomission us - no matter how badly we have messed up in the past (as evidenced by the story of Eli).

These few points were a fresh reminder to me that God takes my life seriously. He is aware of me. He knows my backstory and He has given me experiences that have molded me into the person I am today. He is aware of my huge failures, yet willing to use me despite myself. He knows my heart, but more importantly He knows the intentions of my heart. My heart has never disregarded God and every bad choice I have made has been the result of a misguided choice to deal with pain on my own. I am so grateful God continues to love me and remains true to the call He put on my life as a young child. I am blessed to have never lived life without the presence of God. God ordained I grew up in a godly home. As soon as I was old enough to understand that I had to make a salvation decision - I did. I can honestly say that decision was the best one I ever made in my whole life. I am so completely grateful that God moved on my heart when I was young - knowing my personality there is no telling who I would be today without Him. Hahaha - the only downfall is that I am acutely aware of when I am doing wrong - bummer - JK - but considering my tendency towards having an addictive personality that has been a blessing.

I suppose the best thing is that despite the fact that the enemy tries to convince me I am too damaged to be of service - I have a drive to pursue God. Now, with my mentors help and others along the way - God reminds me continuously that He has got my back and is aware of both the choices I have made and the wrong others have done toward me. Yet God continues to give me new life. He keeps teaching me more about me and who I can become in Him if I trust Him completely. I LOVE THAT. It inspires me toward a completely healthy obsession with Him.

I suppose I have tittle tattled enough about my life today. Here is one more smiley face for the road :O) Bye peeps.

Day 140 "Catalyst"

I was looking out at the gorgeous day - waiting on mozzarella sticks to cook (cause I don't care about healthy today or this week for that matter :O) -and my mind was in a million places as usual. I was considering whether or not I am up for playing golf after ANOTHER morning at the Dentist - thinking on my mentor - life now after graduation... let's just say all the people in my mind where good and occupied with all these scenarios - AND THEN God gave me a new insight to my blog project. I can't help but realize that these insights seem to come at random moments and after Jesus Moments, which I happened to have had last night.

Anyway, I guess what it boils down to is that today I am feeling grateful that God has put BM in my life. As I looked out at the amazing weather it occurred to me that thus far her impact on my life has been downright significant. God has uses her to help me become more secure and confident in who He wants me to be. In the craziest of times, God continues to drop her in my life (whether I ask Him to or not I might add) to encourage me to keep going or to become better. Even a today with a brief comment in response to the post I left on her blog on Monday. God's timing amazes me - He always knows when we need a boost. Nonetheless, it got me thinking. Her life is an example of what life can be if I trust God completely. And, the depth and vulnerability with which she shares encourages me that with God's help and a crazy love for Him, He can use me too. I credit her for helping me to stop trying to convince God that He is confused with regards to me. I am over telling Him all the reasons why I am unworthy of the call He has given me for full time vocational ministry. Lord knows I'm hardly content pursuing anything else - despite insecurities I have been dedicated to preparing myself for the day He will anoint me to speak and serve on His behalf on a deeper level - but that does not mean I am unaware of my short comings. It is just humbling to recall the amount of God's grace that I have received to get me to this point. I am willing to continue being teachable and to work to prepare myself - it is hard not to seriously wonder if I will be ready for whatever it is He has for me. But, I suppose if Beth can push forth past what she has endured thus far, I can too.

As my heart, mind and will are being transitioned into a new phase in life, I am embracing God on a new level. Beth's example scares me sometimes because I see that even 20 years for now I will likely still struggle with being truly dead to myself as Paul writes. I am convinced that there will always be something we have to overcome to achieve a new level of "sold-outness" for God. But I think seeking to become more like Jesus is a worthy pursuit. Nothing brings me more peace. I'd like to think that the refining process gets to be less painful - but I suppose the deeper He goes in us the harder it is for Him to root out whatever needs to go next. The good news is that I've given up on thinking "why me?" and I'm now thinking "why not?" If I really believe God is who He says He is, then why shouldn't I believe that God can and will use me despite myself? Why can't He use me to change the world? He can & He will. The call on my life is too strong to ignore. Though I'm weak, I rest easy knowing that I am available. I'm grateful to have before me such an opportunity to serve God with my whole life. I know it won't be easy, but like BM says, I should not expect anything less than a wild ride. More than ever, I am ready to jump on board and see what will happen.

To conclude, I must reflect on the word God gave me as I was reading A Heart Like His last night:

"Know the God of your father, and serve Him with a whole heart and willing mind, for the Lord searches every heart and understands the intention of every thought. If you seek Him, He will be found by you, but if you forsake Him, He will reject you forever. Realize now that the Lord has chosen you to build a house for the sanctuary. Be strong and do it." (1 Chronicles 28:9-10)

So, today I am thankful for the way God uses my imaginary mentor in my life. I recognize God is using her as a catalyst to inspire me toward greatness for His kingdom. I never will say I am worthy of such a task - but I can say I am eternally grateful for the opportunity to serve. And now that school is done, I am jumping back into this project full force. God has more for me than this - I know it. I sense it and I believe it -too bad I can't work full time alongside her eh? Then I could have a job and simultaneously finish this crazy blog project LOL. Who knows, maybe one day. Anyway, with renewed commitment and this valuable insight, I move forward ready to embrace the days head. There are 225 days left of this project, let's see what happens next.

Song of the Day: These are the Words I Would Say by Sidewalk Prophets

Day 139 "Coming back to Life"

I feel like my brain is starting to function again today. I have seriously felt in a fog mentally. I am slowly feeling more alive and ready to pursue what God has for me next. It is a weird transition coming off graduation. It is funny to me that it is weird EVERY SINGLE TIME. It's not like this is the first time for me, I should be used to it by now - yet, it feels different. It feels like a catalyst opportunity to spring me forward into a new phase of life. Have you ever had a moment like that?

Anyway, it is late and I just finished with another Jesus Moment on the floor in my house. I seem to be on my face prostrate before God a lot more than usual this year. I suppose I am aware of the war in me and the spiritual warfare around me. I am working to submit myself to God 100% but there is a part of me that fights to give up and not be concerned with it. I don't want that part of me to win this battle. If I can't be sold out, I would rather be nothing. Fear drives the insecurity to give up but anticipation of what lies ahead drives me to become all I can be via God's direction in my life. I need a job, but I sense God just telling me to chill this week and relax. I have a project to work on, but again God's just saying chill, relax, reset, get my house in order. Being driven can sometimes be a distraction. But, I do love me some chill time so I suppose I should just embrace it.

I am just excited to do what God will have me do. Am I destined to be great? I think so. I think all of us are. I just think that "greatness" is defined differently for each of us. Greatness doesn't come in our power, it comes via the display of God's greatness in us. It doesn't matter if we feel capable, it matters that we are available. I'm different. I know that. It is evident with how people treat me. I don't get - I don't see it - but are we really capable of seeing our own potential? I think it is best that we don't - at least for me - pride comes easily to this native Texan :O)

My Jesus moment tonight was about asking God once again to take all of me. I want Him to purify me and wash me clean. I want Him to heal me and to use me. I want nothing more in the free world than to know that I am pursuing God's will in my life. I want to receive the blessings He has for me. It is a scary time being on the verge of something new and having no idea what that new thing is, but hey at least it keeps life interesting.

I feel God telling me to be strong and pursue the tasks He puts before me with courage. Including this blog project. I will be equally strong in pursuing my calling. I will do my best to pursue God with my whole heart and a willing mind. Today that means getting back into my blog and starting my reading project.

This morning, I watch more from the Bread of Life series from her segments on Life Today with James and Betty Robinson. God used it to remind me of two particular points. First, God's presence is a fact and that God is with us 24/7. Second, it's fellowship that activates the feeling of divine presence. We can't just treat God like a drive through, we have to aware of Him, quiet with Him, and hear His still small voice and read His word. All, I have to say to this is: well done future BFF - this is a strong Word and great encouragement for me today.

Second, I started my book project. Best I can tell, A Heart Like His is the beginning. I think one of the poetry books came first, but my copyrights in the books I have don't indicate that - if it is wrong you can shoot me :O). So, for now God ordains that in this moment I will start here the earliest book in the series of books that I have. I can see that now would be a great time to be reminded of the story of David. I am anxious to dive in.

Today I gleaned a fresh reminder that man looks @ outward appearance, but God looks at the heart (8). I was reminded that God chose David and that God doesn't work on sense, He works on grace. She wrote, "He called You - He called me - He knew what He was doing" (10). I was reminded that He loves us, calls us, redeems us, and uses us totally b/c of who He is. And, that the God who prepared David has also prepared me throughout my life. I am to never assume that to follow Him means to through away who He has made me to be. Well shoot. I think with God's help she hit the proverbial nail on the head.

God's timing amuses me. I can't think of a better time to be encouraged about being chosen. I can't think of a better time to be reminded of God's presence and my relationship with Him. God is good all the time. I'm off to revel in the moment.

God's blessings upon you. May God blow your mind today :O)

Day 138 "Nobody In Particular"

What is on my mind today is that by the world's standards I am "nobody in particular." As I approach this new phase in my life, I will admit that there is something oddly comforting about that. There is a lot less people you have to worry about when you don't particularly stand out. There is also a lot less accountability. The crazy part is, I know I am meant to stand out. Not like right now or anything, but eventually. The pressure of that kind of - well actually - totally intimidates me. I am content just serving God without others really knowing about my contributions. Mainly, as God is having me exhibit more of my extrovert tendencies, I wonder if my integrity and character can withstand the pressures of pursing a call of full time ministry - will I be able to take the heat as I pursue my calling? Or will I crack under the pressure - time will tell.

With regards to accomplishments, I tend to be fiercely private about them. I suppose, that stems from having been exposed to a few too many egotistical people in my life. I just think we ought to be able to build relationships with one another not based on our previous merit. This is hard though because we need our accomplishments to build our credibility professionally, but do we need that interpersonally as well? I get that there are times when we have to claim where we have been so people can know why we matter. But relationally, I think this hurts us. It is too bad this system can't be simpler.

Take my calling for example. To succeed I will have to be totally obsessed with God. Check. I have to know His Word and keep trying to know it better until my last breath. Check. But, to get the message out and share what I am learning I have to first prove that I am not a psycho terrorist creating a new religion - so I get degrees from credible schools. Next, I have to build platforms. To do this in our culture I need a book, or a blog, or like a super connection that validates that God is blessing my life (no pressure right?). Then I have to work on getting in shape physically and work on my outer appearance because like it our not people both Christians and non are distracted by our appearance (all while eluding an obsession with vanity). It's not about restructuring my look away from Gods intended purpose for me, but it is about making sure I present the most polished version of said self in cloths that match so that I can be taken seriously. But how far do we go?

I once observed a lady who is the president of a pretty popular conference. In a down moment I was privy to a conversation about her jacket which was a $1000 dollars - just her jacket. She was totally cool with it and very nonchalant. I kind of wanted to rip it from her body so that I could make my car payment at the time, but I resisted LOL. But that is not the point...This woman who I just observed on stage asking people to support a myriad of charities like orphans was wearing a jacket that could feed like 20 of them. There was something about the timing of that moment that just hit me spiritually. I don't disrespect this woman. We have to look good. It is the nature of the beast and the culture in which we live. We have to buy cars, we have to have homes - we are not all called to live in a tent barely living, but how far do we go? Where is the line of enjoying God's blessings and buying a $1000 dollar jacket? I think what got me that day was not the fact that the jacket was expensive - honestly, I could careless about that. Solomon after all had the best of the best and I don't disrespect him. I guess it was just the attitude of that moment - like that it was just normal. Nothing special. Not a blessing from God. It was just one of many things that could be cast aside casually on a sofa.

Don't get me wrong, I am materialistic at heart, but I am working to spend my money wisely. I don't have a list of do's and don'ts. I spend money on the things that matter to me and on the things I need to do my job well without particular reservation. I am a technology fein and if I could I would right now replace this heap of metal in my lap with a brand new computer that would help me in so many ways - this one isn't broken, but I am aware of the fact that it limits me. It's the same with everything else in life. I could shop like my life depended on it if I wasn't going through a season of severe "broke-ness." I am from Texas for crying out loud and our culture is go big or go home. Take pride in what you do, how you look and how you act. And on the verge of being thrown out into the public eye, I know the cost of what needs to be done to make a serious effort toward pursuing my calling. When in Rome, do as the Romans do - that is how you reach them right?

I suppose I just want to be aware of my limits. I know that the Holy Spirit will guide me. I am not ashamed of big purchases in my life because I know and still can totally recognize when God is blessing me. I just don't want to lose sight of that.

Anyway, I also find that I see far to many people seeking relationships that benefit them verses building relationships based on who God wants us to interact with. Have we lost our inability just have pure friendships? No. I am not that pessimistic, but I do wonder how a celebrity mentality and materialist natures affects our ability to interact with one another.

Like it or not I have to realize that America has its own caste system of sorts. Researchers say it is rare that people are able to relate to people too far out on either end of their financial status. I suppose that stems from the culture associated with the mentality of people at different financial points. But, what dawns on me today, is that in our Christian culture we create such a caste system as well. We base so much on levels of spirituality - my goodness look at how many denominations we have created for ourselves! It's insane. Instead of drawing together and growing as the body of Christ we base our relationships on perceived spirituality.

All this said, I guess I want people just to like me for me - not for what I have done or how I look. I want to make sure I don't lose who I am in God at this moment. I want to grow in Him, not grow in me. I realize I am a little out there tonight in my thinking, I blame it on my brain trying to adjust to its new freedom from school. And, I suppose American Idol tonight has driven me toward considering celebrity. Our culture puts such a demand on us doesn't it?

I wish I could tie in a mentor moment, but I suppose the only thing I really have with regards to this is my own observations of her. She exudes a humble spirit and graciousness. For me, that has been a consistent observation. No doubt, God has blessed her. But honestly, I don't think you would be aware of how much if you just met her on the street. So, I guess that is it. We buy what we need to buy to do our best to represent God to the fullest. We realize that we are not seeking to cover insecurity, but seeking to be our best. We enjoy the richness of the blessings and keep a humble attitude with regard to the blessings. We know that others are always watching and learn to be considerate of others as we share the abundance with those who are less fortunate. I guess that it is it for tonight.

Peace out peeps.

Day 137 "Guiltless Posting"

Hey guys. Long time no talk. (I love how I write this like tons of people read it LOL - I am hopelessly optimistic and I always believe that when God has me do things like write my life on a blog it will be eventually be for a reason :O) Anyway, if you are stopping by - HELLO. To Heather, sorry it has been a while buddy....

So, I AM FINALLY DONE WITH SCHOOL. I can catch up blog postings that I am terribly behind on and not worry that if I am blogging I am neglecting homework. It will be good to have this to do because well...I have only been graduated two days and I am all ready feeling weird about not having homework to do and books to read and critique. But I can say, I feel free AND THAT FEELS GOOD. I can not wait to see what God has for me next.

After my trip yesterday, and graduation weekend - My brain is like total jelly, and I can say that the only thing I really accomplished today was watching the season finale of Survivor. And, that the only mentor moment I had was looking at my thesis and by putting her books in order of release date to get ready for the next part of my blog project...Now that I am done with school - I have to keep the commitment I made a few weeks ago to read all her books in order to see what God would have me glean. What a crazy journey this is, but I am ready to dive in full force and see where it takes me.

OK my peeps. I am going to stop blogging about nothing b/c I am visiting with my dad and I have to go. Stay tuned and I will be caught up to date in no time. Have a wonderful week!

Temporary Delay....

I have severe internet issues...posts will be updated ASAP...blessings to you if you stop by :O) I'll be back when I can!

Day 125 "Awesome God"

I am having an inexplicably wonderful day today! Last night I finished TWO of the last three classes before graduation. I am taking a golf break today, but if all goes to plan I SHOULD BE DONE WITH SCHOOL TOMORROW or the next day if I am moving slow mentally :O) I am so excited I can hardly stand it. I love school, but I will be so glad to get back to reading books that I pick - more importantly not having to read a book and worry that in a couple of days I have a five page book critique due on the matter. (I have two of these left and those will not be over soon enough!)

Oh mano. I am so close I can feel it. I'll be packing up to travel down to Virginia this time next week - it will be awesome. I started this morning off happy about life. I slept great last night and have just this sort of perpetual enthusiasm that I cannot shake today :O) Even better, my mentor moment came easily today - didn't have to wait around all day for God to send the moment to me - nor did I have to go out searching seeing what He would tell me - I just made me a breakfast burrito and turned on my TV - to my delight the moment was just waiting there for me.

It was Wednesday's with Beth day on Life Today. Yee-haw. Today was about not making decisions out of desperation. Exactly what I needed to hear. I wish I could lay it out here for you - maybe tomorrow - but for today - the sky is blue and green's are calling me to come and relax by chasing a tiny white ball around :O) But, I will say - the overall concept was about that when we are feeling desperate we making terribly poor decisions. NO KIDDING. I always make the worse decisions when I feel pinned up against a wall - but thankfully I am maturing into knowing how to avoid said situations.

The message was timely because I am about as broke as one future graduated grad student can be. Anybody want to hire me LOL? HAHAHA, I know God's got my back, but having this fresh reminder to not make a job decision out of desperation is exactly what I need to have tumbling around in my head today.

Oh peeps - if you are reading today - hope you are doing awesome! God is so good - He is indeed so awesome right? With regards to that - check out this song of the day.

Peace out Peeps.

Song of the Day: Awesome God by R-Swift

PS - hopefully this week I will also get all my missing posts up. I have the week off and I am trying to make the most of it. Have a great day!

Day 124 "Affirmation"

Today I experienced an especially good moment with my mentor. This morning as I sit in my apartment that was built in like 1860 something, my mind is on God and what He is doing in my life. I never cease to be amazed at the places He takes me. This morning I am no where really and I am content to be in a quiet place alone with Him. People are bustling about outside cleaning up remnants from the floods from a few weeks ago.

I undeniably woke up today with my mind attuned to God. This I might add is a direct answer to prayer because last night was all about being flat on my face before Him telling God everything on my heart and mind. Telling Him I am overwhelmed by how directly He has been speaking to me these last days.

But anyway, the point was letting Him know that despite how insufficient I may feel to embrace the call He has so clearly put on my life – I would submit to Him. I want the best God has for me. I want to give Him my whole life no matter what. Even though I don’t know in what way that will manifest, I can say that whether I succeed or fail I am going to do my absolute best to serve Him completely.

All this led to this morning where I started the day watching Pricilla Schrier talk about her new book, One in a Million and the timing of her message was so relevant to the work God is doing in my heart this morning. He is reminding me that if I remain faithful, if I keep pushing forward everyday – I can be that one in a million too - that person who experiences the abundance of what He has for us on this earth.

And then, God continued to speak directly to me and you probably can guess who He used to do it. But, first you need to know that Sunday morning I woke up to no internet. So, since I’ve returned from Boston the only way I have accessed anything was through my phone. One thing in particular I had done prior to my internet outage was to check my BFF’s blog to see if she had written. Oh mano – she must have been busy this week b/c since the simulcast there had been nothing from her, which is cool - but I’ve just been wondering what the experience was like for her. Stick with me there is a point :O) So, Sunday no internet and well I didn’t think about checking these last couple of days b/c I am trying so hard to finish with school this week that I haven’t thought of it. Pulled an all nighter Sunday – Walked around in a fog Monday – had a Jesus moment Monday night – and woke up feeling God with me this morning. And after a quiet time this morning and the message from Pricilla – God tells me to pull out my phone and check the blog….

What’s the title I see? The Baffling Calling to Communicate. After losing my mind over my calling last night and just being gut wrenching honest about how I feel about His call on my life to communicate to others – BAM right in my face a post – a post from BM nonetheless – telling me about the crazy ride it is being a speaker working for God. Just that He waited to let me discover this today so that I could be reaffirmed after dedicating myself for the millionth time to do what ever He asks me to do – God blows my mind - it just wouldn't have hit my heart the same if I had read it on Sunday.

As I read her post & basically saw my heart and my prayers from last night on my little iPhone screen being spoke back to me through BM – it’s a crazy sensation. I love that she admits that the whole call to speak is still a mystery – at least with regards to the "how to do it well" part. What I liked best:

What I’m talking about here is almost indefinable. I’d more easily be able to tell you how it feels than tell you what it is and yet sometimes it’s there and there’s no feeling at all. Muddled yet?

I think that about covers it really and I am glad I am not the only one that feels it like this. If you have kept up with me on here – you know that many weeks ago I tried to capture the feeling of it – the deep peace – the knowing you're to speak but being out of the loop a bit on how it will come out – Anyway, I won’t go on and on about this moment I am having with my mentor – read the post it is a good one - God just used it in a big way to speak to me. He knows I am content just serving behind the scenes where nobody knows me. He knows I have thought more than twice about being up in front of people. But I know with each passing day this urge in me to go out and speak and teach and make a difference in this world is intensifying. I am to the point now that I literally almost feel I am going to explode if I don’t take action soon.

I am happy to be reminded that the only thing I have to do is guard my intimate relationship with God. If I chase after God and remain close to Him – then I will have all the assurance of my calling that I need. It's been a bit rough today because there have been some semi-discouraging comments come my way. Yet, I'm still hopeful. I'm still dreaming big. I have to believe that God will direct my path in the way I should go.

For today I meditate on this: "He will transform the body of our humble condition into the likeness of His glorious body, by the power that enables Him to subject everything to Himself." -Phillipians 3:21 - It is so awesome that we have this to look forward too. Even if I don't accomplish a single thing with my life - at least I know that one day I'll be in heaven transformed anew in the best place my mind can't even imagine.

Day 123 "Monday Fog"

Today has been totally weird. I stayed up until 6am working on some of my last assignments for school. I am so happy that I was productive, but it has left my brain feeling like I am in outer space. I miss the days when I could totally function on 3 hours of sleep. I took a nap this morning and woke up to try and finish working on the rest of my stuff. I wrote one lesson on Mary, but for the most part I can't say I feel like I am accomplishing anything really.

It's so weird being so close to finishing school - yet just not being able to pull it together and get it done is hard. Also, I am stuck without my internet so it makes doing my work very difficult. Feeling unproductive, I turned to TV watching because I am terribly behind on watching 24 - now I am caught up and I am anticipating how the character Jack will once again save America - I am pretty sure he will by either next week or the week after.

After that I spent sometime with my mentor and today on this particular Life Today episode (from April 7th) she was talking about how people can't bear being idolized. Talking about how the only person in this world worthy of being worshipped is the one true God. How we are healthiest when we give ourselves wholly and completely to God and don't let anybody get in the way of that. I've noted from the get-go here that I have always feared that someone would read my blog and somehow get the impression that I idolize BM in someway. I agree there is a fine line we teeter on when we look up to people who teach us about God. If we put them on a pedestal and believe they are something they are not - I think we cross the line.

For me, especially after the weird dream I had yesterday - I really had to just get down and dirty with God about this. We really had it out tonight. I talked to Him about the blog, my calling, the work He is doing in my life over this vision He has given me, and on and on. We laughed - I cried. It was seriously a Jesus moment. But, what it came down to for me was that God affirmed me in both life and about this blog. To me, BM is just normal. I don't idolize her, but I do have a tremendous amount of respect for her. She is blessed to be able to do some awesome ministry work in her life - but for all intents and purposes she just reminds me of family. Whether she reminds me of my home Texas or just makes me laugh, I simply cannot deny that God is using her in my life to mold me into the person I am to become. How he affirmed me was to remind me that I am not trying to become her - I am simply learning from her life to be inspired to become who I am supposed to be.

Well, this post really may be irrelevant to anybody. It's cool - remember the whole point of the is for me to just journal out my experiences. And, since there is no one in my life who I can talk to for real about what I am learning - I am blogging it out so that there is some form of accountability for me before God.

Realistically, I would obviously like BM to be my real mentor. I think she could teach me a lot and help me gain a better perspective on my calling. But, at the same time - God is teaching me through her despite the fact that we don't actually know each other - and I think that is pretty cool. I want a mentor - I really do - it would be great to feel like someone cared enough to want to invest in me - but what I have right now is almost better - i know that God cares enough to invest in me. He brings women and men into my life on a daily basis who challenge me to go further and to be better. So, I'm just going to stay on course and see what happens.

If you think on it though, please lift up some prayers on my behalf. I have some situations in my life right now that are kind of downers - but my God is big and I know He will over come these situations.

"Instead, just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not to please men, but rather God, who examines our hearts" - 1 Thessalonians 2:4

Day 122 "Weird Morning"

OH man. Last night I suppose my brain was trying to process all that I went through this week. I've been on fire - encouraged - secure - etc. Well, you know how in our dreams we always try to make sense of the world? Well, I suppose my brain was having a rough time last night. I am not one to remember dreams – quite frankly if it weren’t for the occasions I get woke up in the middle of them I would tell you that I never did. Such was the case this morning. I needed to get ready for church- I needed to get there and get my praise and worship grove on. But let me tell you, I did not wake up happy this morning.

I know the enemy was trying to set my feet on a path to get me discouraged based on the dreams I was having. Or maybe this is just evidence that there are still remnants of insecurity I have regarding my blog and somehow in my dreamland I was trying to work that out. Look, I’m not comfortable sharing what the dream was about because it was a dream and I never remember them clearly anyway. But what I can say is that for part of that dream I was at a conference. Apparently, I had anxiety about being at this conference but I was excited about it because I knew that was where God wanted me to be. I felt that as sure as I am sitting here typing right now. While there I met people I truly respected and that is where the dream went south – almost in unison people I recognized and didn't were telling me they were angry with me for writing my blog – called me crazy and well let’s just say I woke up not to long after that and I seriously thought I was going to cry. Crazy right? This was a new one for me to say the least. Who knew dreaming could totally bum you out? It was so weird.

I am a happy person – I don’t regularly wake up feeling like I am going to cry my eyes out over a dream nonetheless. Even when bad things do happen it usually doesn't take me to long to get over it. Yet, the despair I felt in that moment was pretty intense that it rocked my whole morning. Even though I know it wasn’t real and totally illogical – it felt like honestly it had really just happened and it was so intense.

I know in some ways it is natural that my brain is still adapting to living as a newly secure person – but I tell you I had to go straight to the throne this morning and have God help me out. He was faithful and He came down to comfort me. I had to just keep telling myself it was only a dream. Once I got to church still praying silently to myself about it – I just put my focus on leading worship. Sure enough, God spoke and worked as we heard a message from Ephesians 1. Slowly but surely the sinking feeling faded away, but I am shocked by how much this affected me today.

Nonetheless, God blessed me with an amazing day. We fellowshipped after church. I was able to take my mini BFF’s out to pizza, slurpees and to the beach before we went to see their brothers play a baseball game. Once home, I got caught up on my remaining school work and it ended up being a great day.

"Christ has liberated us into freedom. Therefore stand firm and don’t submit again to the yoke of slavery" (Galatians 5:1) – I’m not going to let this minor dreaming mishap set me back. I still can't believe it really even happened. I am free to live confidently doing what God has asked me to do right? Right. I am free and I will keep being obedient to write this blog until God tells me otherwise.

Well, I guess that is about it for my Sunday ramblings.