** From December 30th, 2009
Hello. My name is April. I don't really know if anyone will read this blog, but I'm writing it for personal accountability if for nothing else. Last night, wide awake, pondering my life I was praying to God asking for some focus for the coming year. I want this year to be different. I want my faith to be strengthened. I want to know more about God. I want to see that He cares deeply for me and to be aware of His hand working in my life. I want a deeper relationship with Him. I want my life to have purpose. I want my mind to be pure. I want my soul to be connected to something greater than myself. I want to be more passionate. I want to live life as it is meant to be lived. More than anything else, I want to know who it is I can become if I put my entire focus on God.
I am 28. I just trying to figure out life. I'm a Christian. I'm a college student. I'm a missionary. I'm a friend. I desire to make a difference. I'm a million things. To take from the cartoon Shrek, I am an onion with many layers :0). I want to help others more than I help myself. But some days, I just feel like I am fish out of water flailing about in the worst struggle of my life just trying to get back home to the ocean that is a few breaths away.
SO, this is my year. My year to pivot in a new direction. I want to discover who I can become if I really focus on God. Can I be less insecure? Can I live a life of no regrets? Can I focus and be disciplined while spontaneously enjoying the little joys that come my way? Can I be happy and peaceful? I guess I will have to see. I know there is more to be lived then what I'm living.
You may be asking. Why 365 days with Beth Moore? Good question. It would seem more religious and politically correct to put 365 days discovering myself and God, but who hasn't done that? Surely, there are plenty of people out there to choose from, but in my heart I feel compelled to push myself deeper into my own womanhood. For now, I believe God wants to teach me something about my life via her life. It's kind of like that movie Julie & Julia - there was no real reason that one young girl chose to look to the past and spend a year cooking through Julia Childs' cookbook right? She just had the passion to do it, to make a change and to see what happens. That's what I am going to do. I'm daring to take a risk to see how one woman can inspire me to become the woman God means me to become.
I can't see that in 28 years I've gotten to the place I want to be with God, so I want someone to be like a mentor spurring my thoughts deeper. As I prayed, Beth Moore seemed appropriate for many reasons. I think both you and I will discover those along the way. Here is the deal, I need a mentor and though she doesn't know it she is going to be it this next year.
The bottom line is, I want my brain to have a wake up call. I want to be inspired. I want someone else to challenge my thinking so I can become a person who reflects the glory of God. Ultimately, the journey is not about Beth Moore. The journey is about trusting that God is calling me to something unique this year. This is just an experiment to see what can happen if a person willing chooses to obey God in a fresh way. It's an opportunity to learn from someone who seems to have been in the trenches and come out looking up toward God. Look, I don't condone obsessing over one person for Bible teaching. From what I know of Beth Moore, she doesn't either. I will still seek God in other ways through other teachers and my own personal study, but simultaneously I will seek the words of wisdom from someone else who has had a little more time to figure this whole God thing out.
Who knows what will happen? I may give up. I may quit. I may wake up and figure out I'm nutso. Either way, I can at least rest in the fact that as of this moment - I am being obedient to God's will in my life. For today, I rest in the promise of Jeremiah 29:11:
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. (NIV)
**The blog makes more sense if you read it from the beginning :O)
