Today has been a really good day so far. I have to say that though whatever God is bringing me through is difficult - I will be the better for it. I'm really beginning to think it has to be spiritual warfare to an extent. Many of the same feelings that emerged for me during my thesis are resurfacing. It almost feels like I am having a nervous breakdown. But, I sense God here with me, guiding me through it. I suppose it is related to the fact that I am writing again on a project that God would have me do - just like my thesis. As I work to honor God with this, it helps to know that my heart is still attuned to submitting to God fully.
The biggest blessing for today: No more cavities :O) I have one last visit, but I am on the home stretch with this round of dental work :O). The last visit is to help me a bit with my front teeth, a thorn in my side for many years. I am a bit freaked out cause I don't want to look even worse LOL. The timing of it is kind of cool. It's something I have wanted fixed so long and now that it is happening, I kind of really sense that God is just rewarding me for getting to this point in life.
Consider it great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing. Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives to all generously and without criticizing, and it will be given to him.
You know, I can say I feel joyful about what I'm going through, even though I don't like being exposed to the worst parts of myself. But, the benefit I suppose is God is cleaning out my heart and helping me draw closer to Him. I sense God wanting to teach me the value of praying without ceasing no matter how I feel: lonely, scared, overjoyed. It's like He wants to just be present and share my life with Him.
There are times when I wonder if I am losing ground spiritually. Maybe that is what maturity is, being aware of how unaware we are. Maybe deepening our relationship with God is not about becoming more independent in our walk, but more dependent on Him. Interesting to me that worldly maturity is the exact opposite - we are more mature as we become independent.
I am most encouraged by the fact that God is willing to give us wisdom when we ask for it. Having just cried again last night before Him - I like that He hears my prayers. God is having me be so vulnerable with Him right now, it is kind of crazy. But look, today He provided me this encouragement in James. Awesome. I am just working to trust God more. Be more aware. Like with this whole BM mentor situation - I'm just going with it. And wouldn't you know all this led me right into my mentor moment from A Heart Like His:
What should you do when God has called you but you don't know what to do next? I certainly can't take the Spirit's job, but here's a good principle: Keep studying God's Word and listening to His voice; but while you're listening, take care of the responsibilities He has given you. Looking back at years of ministry, I see that God often used that small faithfulness to accomplish more than the great things of which we dream (29).
Wow. I know. God using her to directly speak to my need again. That's all I am saying. This trend is why I started this project to begin with - I needed to have a way to document these crazy moments of spot on connectedness with my mentor. Anyway, I hope you are working to be more aware of God in your life too. It isn't easy, but 29 years in, I can say it has been worth it.
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