Hmm. Some days when I read over my blog I am amazed that I have finished graduate school. It would seem that my enthusiasm and grammar capabilities are not in sync on the same days :O) LOL. That's OK with me though. It's my authentic self and reminds me I am not perfect - even though at times I wish Jesus would share that amazing skill with me :O)
Today I was just bee bopping along in life. I woke up and went to the dentsit - yep - AGAIN. One reason I suppose is I want to send a dentist on vacation. Another reason could be I want my dentist to be my BFF (which is true). Or maybe I just drink to much soda. All in all - going to the dentist seems like a life hobby for me.
Hopped up on anesthesia, I thought it would be a good idea to go antique auctioning with my dad - it was fun for the first four hours - by hour six I felt less enthusiastic about it :O) He is doing this as a side business right now and also teaching me about my heritage. Did I mention history is not my thing LOL? But, I do love spending time with Him.
Tonight though, I can't say the enthusiasm has continued. I am embarrassed by how up and down my emotions are right now. I am thankful that no one is around to see my fluctuations. I'm truly committed to coming to terms with who God wants me to become. But once again, I am confronted with how painful the refining process is. I've asked Him to make me His - but mano - it's amazing how certain circumstances can drive us into the darkest deeps of the worse parts of ourself. I'm not depressed, I'm just confronted with others pain today. The empathy I feel toward that situation just makes my heart break. I know God is in control of all the situations in my life, but there are moments when life just hits me dead between the eyes and I can hardly wrap my mind around it.
My God is so big. Even in the darkness, I know my God is big. I know He is there with me. I know He is refining me & the people around me. I must continue not to doubt Him and trust in His promise that He will not put me through more than I can handle. I must continue to submit to Him and let Him work into the depths of my soul because nothing in this world makes me happier. God is the only thing that makes life worth living. Though my heart aches and my feelings are numb - I will keep my heart and mind focused on Him.
I don't know how I will come out on the other side of this refining, but I'm grateful to have God care enough about me to make me stronger and closer to Him. He knows me and He knows my concerns. Greater things have yet to come. Greater things still need to be done. All I can do is hope He will use this willing soul to contribute to His plan. Though I may fail at life - at least I can do my best to not fail at loving Him completely.
My mentor moment is brief and still from A Heart Like His: "Even in her bitterness of soul and great weeping, she made her vow to God with steadfast determination to fulfill it" (18). This is talking about the story of Hannah the Hebrew mother of Samuel who had trouble giving birth and who later gave her son up at an early age to be raised in the house of God. The story is in 1 Samuel, but the moral for me today is to remember how important it is for me to remain steadfast to the vow I made to God to serve Him with my life. I must remain determined to work towards fulfilling my call.
My heart prayer comes from Psalm 6 today. I won't include it all but look at a few of these verses:
Be gracious to me, Lord, for I am weak; heal me, Lord, for my bones are shaking; my whole being is shaken with terror...I am weary from my groaning; with my tears I dampen my pillow and drench my bed every night. My eyes are swollen from grief...The Lord has heard my plea for help; the Lord accepts my prayer.
Amen. So let it be peeps. May God's blessings be upon you today.
Song of the Day: My Desire by Jeremy Camp
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