Oh mano. The weather today is as reckless as my emotions. Thundering - shake the world type storms this morning - followed by peace and hot stickiness - followed by calm and drenching rain - followed by a calm sunshine that makes the plants just seem to glisten in all their glory. The fact that I feel the weather is a descriptor of my emotions ought to be evidence that I am having sort of a torrential internal sort of day. That kind of day where I am glad I can just stay at home and be with my Jesus - so that I can pray every five minutes without anyone being able to sense that I am on the edge of a complete melt down.
Life is as crazy as ever. I am having to recite Scriptures in a moment by moment basis just so I can remember my proper perspective. "God is in control. God is in control." It's a record in my head that won't soon shut off in the remaining hours of this day. "God has given us everything required for life and godliness..." (1 Peter 1:3) I haven't been this scared in a long time, but neither have I felt God's power in my life so strong. With each ping of my email I am confronted with joy and trepidation (and never - might I add - have I been more annoyed with junk emails than I have today :O) ).
I should have expected the enemy would come after to me this week - After all, God all but gave me affirmation to my life this past weekend. He showed me how much I can trust Him - how much He is in control - and how even though everything in my life is uncertain...how He remains true and faithful. Yet today, in my pantry trying to decide what food to eat and what food to save for tomorrow, I broke down and had a total Jesus moment. The enemy attacked me full on and is working his best to convince me that nothing I am doing is right - b/c if I was - life would not be so full of desperation. By the world standards, right now I could not be more at the bottom. But you know what? Despite the desperation, I'm totally convinced that somehow in this perceived chaos God is at work. So, as I've learned... I just let it all out and gave the moment to my God who is there for me in the times I am dancing around my house worshipping Him and in the times where I am broken before Him.
And then it hit me, God used my spiritual BFF to tell me that the only thing in life we should truly be desperate for is Jesus. This bit of encouragement led me to her blog where I was carted off in my mind to an RV driving through some of the western states. The laughter and fresh reminder that any given day God will have us somewhere - usually in places unexpected - doing exactly what it is He wants us to do. Sometimes that is rest. Sometimes that is surrendered and desperate for Him in every passing moment. And sometimes its just out there enjoying His beauty. All told - it comes together to work for His good.
So today, I am desperate for Him to pay attention to me in every moment. He is my only source of comfort. AND I am OK with that:
"Trust in the Lord and do what is good; dwell in the land and live securely. Take delight in the Lord and He will give you your heart's desires. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act, making your righteousness shine like the dawn, you justice like the noonday. Be silent before the Lord and wait expectantly for Him" (Psalm 37:3-7)
I choose to trust. I CHOOSE TO TRUST. I am waiting expectantly and though I am scared, I won't deny I feel Him with me. Another one of my spiritual BFF's put it well in something of hers I was reading today:
Maybe this is the true secret of being fulfilled and content. Living in the moment with God, defined by His truth, and with no unrealistic expectations for others or things to fill me up. Not reaching back for what was lost in my yesterdays. And not reaching for what I hope will be in my tomorrow. But living fully with what is right in front of me. And truly seeing the gift of the moment (Lysa T, Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl).
God has assured me that I am exactly where I am supposed to be - continuing my work toward fully surrendering my life to Him. I don't have to let the enemy bully me - I just have to live in God's gift of this moment. Patiently waiting. Which reminds me of another point from LT:
Have you ever asked the question, 'God what do You require of me?' The answer to a question like this has everything to do with our character needing to be developed to match our calling.
Yep. That is me. I am fully aware that God is developing my character. I kind of feel like this will be a life long journey that never ends. But in desperation, I have hope. When doubt tries to get the better of me - I can sit here and know that God loves me enough to be right here with me, molding me into the woman I am meant to become.
So whenever you come across this post my friend, know that I could use your prayers. Because in good times and bad - I want always to be completely desperate for my ultimate BFF Jesus. And know, that is my prayer that anyone coming across my blog will yearn for the same.
No comments:
Post a Comment