Day 200 "Unfinished Plans"

Okay - time to boast a bit. I am really good at planning. I mean I can see a situation, strategize a way to complete it. I mean step-by-step plan for success. I can take a challenge break it down to manageable pieces. I am a strategizer with a plan in hand. I am good at understanding what it really takes to get something done. The problem is that in life our greatest strength is often in combat with our greatest weakness. For me, that can sometimes mean follow through and completing the plan. I don't know if I get bored easy or if I am just too undisciplined to make life count as it should each day. Or maybe the enemy is just good at knowing my weaknesses and he knows how to neutralize my "change the world for Christ" efforts. I can't do anything on my own - I am more sure of that than I am my own next breath. But sometimes I feel like I should be a little more capable so God doesn't have to work so hard to prod me along each day. It's like I see how a project should be done, I know I can do it, but then it's like I sike myself out or something. I don't give up, but I can sometimes procrastinate. But the closer a deadline - the more of a challenge which helps my adrenaline pump and really gets my creative juices flowing. But why can't I get things done sooner I wonder? How much of that is God's timing and how much of it is me being undisciplined? I wish there was a PH test to determine my efforts.

Then at the same time, I kind of feel like I am doing all that I can. I don't know. It's a battle. I am either a big dreamer with foresight to see how things could be or I am just too ambitious and believe more can get done in a day than really can be done. Time will tell, but I sense God working to teach me balance. But, I feel God pressing on my heart to do better right now with time management. Weird right? The problem is when I don't feel challenged, I kind of don't have the drive I need to accomplish what I need to accomplish. And with not really having a job - I kind of have to challenge myself and well that can be pretty tough. I can be a workaholic if I wanted to b/c in my mind there is always something to do - but that is followed with moments or days where I don't seem to accomplish anything b/c I don't really know what to do b/c I wonder if anything I am doing is truly pursuing God's plan for my life. -Sigh. They say in life the biggest battle is with ourselves and well I guess God is teaching me to endure and be strong as the old and new men in me fight to the death. (I feel confident the new man is winning :O)

When God has you in a holding pattern it can be kind of tough b/c you don't know if He is wanting you to rest or wanting you to work to get ready for the next step. I know it is kind of a mix for both b/c we can never really be fully ready for the unknown. I am comforted by James 1:2-5:

Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do it's complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing. Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives to all generously and without criticizing, and it will be given to him.

I am pretty sure I have mentioned this verse before, it is one that gets me through on many occasions. I love the book of James, it speaks volumes into my spirit.

My mentor moment comes from some videos that are about a year old. I was perusing about and came across one of BM's videos where she is talking about the start of her ministry and why it is entitled Living Proof. It really suit my mood to hear about her beginning and how God was working in her life in those early days. It resonates with my current situation of beginning something new and almost undefinable with God. It offered me hope and encouragement to know that sometimes when God presents us with a plan that may seem out of our realm of comprehension - something big is up.

So for now, I am working to finish up the unfinished in my life. I feel confident that God will send me a job soon which will happily consume more of my daily life. But for now, I am searching my heart and my life for things that are on the verge of completion so that I can wrap that thing up and be a little more free to take on something new. It's sunny out today and I am feeling pretty optimistic about accomplishing a lot with the six hours of work time I have left. And, as I think on my mentor and what God would have me learn from her, I also remember Hebrews 13:7:

Remember your leaders who have spoken God's word to you. As you carefully observe the outcome of their lives, imitate their faith.

And that is what it boils down too. I have plenty to imitate and if it kills me, I will imitate those who I respect. There are many out there for me to look up too. And right now God has my self-proclaimed mentor pretty high on that list. I am observing and hoping that through osmosis BM and the others I am exposed to with inspire me to become who I am supposed to become in and with the Lord.